Film Review “Need for Speed”

Starring: Aaron Paul, Dominic Cooper and Imogen Poots
Directed By: Scott Waugh
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 130 minutes
Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

Our Score: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Story? Dumb. Characters? Dumb. Motivations? Dumb. Stunts? Yeah…those were pretty cool, but still dumb. Dumb is the word that best describes this movie. There is some dumb fun to be had, but not enough fun to cover the dumb that induces eye rolling boredom. “Need for Speed” is the latest in a long line of attempts by the studios to peddle street racing smut to teenagers and young adults. For this go around, they base the premise off a video game franchise, but even video games have better writers than this.

Tobey Marshall (Paul) is a grease monkey who moonlights as a street racer in small town USA. He’s in a bit of financial trouble and unlucky for him, an old nemesis of his, Dino Brewster (Cooper), offers him a chance to refurbish an aged mustang. Once it’s spruced up and ready, they make a cool 2.7 million dollars on it. Tobey could walk off with a quarter of that money…or he could risk it all on a pissing contest…I mean street car race. Also, you know a movie’s boring when I think doing the math on 25% of 2.7 million is more entertaining. By the way it’s $675,000. So what a shock, someone dies in their over 200 mph race. It’s Marshall’s best friend Pete (Harrison Gilbertson). Dino clips him in an attempt to win the race. So what an even bigger shock when Dino, the multi-millionaire entrepreneur gets away with it and the scruffy and haggard looking Tobey is thrown in jail for two years. Considering all his years of putting pedestrian’s lives in danger for his races, this doesn’t seem like enough time in jail.

Regardless, the rest of the movie is a cross country revenge tale, but he doesn’t have a vehicle. So he teams up with a quick witted, blonde British gal by the name of Julia (Poots). She gives gives him the keys to the 2.7 million dollar car that he built and she paid for. I’ll let that sink in.

Just when as I was on the verge of falling asleep from this preposterously dull story, the roar of an engine would awake me up and I’d get to watch another silly chase. Things are made even worse by the fact Michael Keaton is rolled out as the host of a videocast who is putting on a prestigious race, only for underground racers, called the De Leon. How he has the financial means to put this on and how the police haven’t wiretapped him to find these illegal races, I don’t know. The De Leon is Tobey’s one chance at revenge against Dino. This movie could be a great form of escapism if it wasn’t so head shakingly stupid.

Once the well shot chases are done, we’re forced to sit through another dose of bad dialogue and head scratching questions. The biggest one is one of Tobey’s friends, Benny, who has a gig with the military that allows him to “commandeer” any plane or helicopter so he can help Tobey dart through city streets. I could have easily just written a review about all the ludicrous moments in this. It’s a bit maddening why two time Emmy award winning Aaron Paul would jump straight into this after coming off one of the most successful TV series of all time. It makes you wonder what it is he saw in this because I certainly don’t see it.

Film Review “300: Rise of an Empire”

Starring: Sullivan Stapleton, Eva Green and Lena Headey
Directed By: Noam Murro
Rated: R
Running Time: 102 Minutes
Warner Brothers Pictures

Our Score: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Prepare for another trip into the re-imagined green screen history of ancient Greece. Prepare for another thick dose of blood splatter to coat the screen. Prepare for another unnecessarily high body count that probably outweighs the actual population of ancient Athens. Prepare for pure testosterone driven men who’ve never heard of the word shirt. Prepare for…ah hell, you get the picture. It’s time for another heaping plateful of gore in Zack Snyder’s stylized look at war, between the Greek city states and Persian Empire.

If you haven’t seen “300”, then don’t bother seeing this; you’re going to be confused. “300: Rise of an Empire” takes place before, during and after the movie “300”. It wraps itself around its predecessor like a cocoon and heavily relies on the viewer having previous knowledge of it. That’s not to say there isn’t a story here. The movie starts off with the Battle of Marathon, detailing the heroics of Themistocles (Stapleton), as he repels the first invasion by Persia and slays Darius, the father of Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro). That segues into Xerxes’ path towards vengeance that will eventually lead to the second invasion of Greece nearly a decade later. He slowly deludes himself into believing he is a God among men. You can thank his right hand woman, Artemisia (Green), for polluting his mind with such a silly notion. Artemisia is Greek by blood, but wills the Persian army to avenge the wrongs made against her. We then see the duo’s carefully laid out land and sea invasions. Since we already the land invasion ends with King Leonidas and 300 Spartans biting the dust, we follow Artemisia as she commands a fleet into two sea battles. Themistocles and Artemisia lead their respective sides into battle, both seemingly invincible when participating in the melee.

I would probably be scolded for this sentiment, but I enjoyed this one more than the first. Where the first one took itself way too seriously and forcibly jammed the idea of freedom into it’s story, this one appears to realize how absurd it’s premise already is and just settles into violent popcorn entertainment. The extreme nationalistic pride is still there, but not persistently regurgitated in conversation. The movie instead propels the war forward as a personal vendetta by Xerxes and Artemisia. With that said, this movie would have crumbled without Eva Green playing a fantastic femme fatale. She owns the role of Artemisia in every way possible, clothing or not. I suspect Green has wanted to be the bad guy in movies for a while because she outshines the 10 foot tall Xerxes and is nothing short of malicious.

Zack Snyder seemed to tag along instead of sit in the director’s chair for this movie. He found Noam Murro to pilot this sequel and I’m not sure why he selected Murro. His only other directorial job was “Smart People”, where he had Dennis Quaid rediscover love and happiness with Sarah Jessica Parker. Maybe I’m wrong in my assumption. Maybe there’s a scene in “Smart People” that hinted at the director’s insatiable appetite to film disembowelment and decapitations of Persian underlings. Regardless, he seems to have filled Zack’s directorial shoes. If you had told me Zack directed this, I would have believed you.

Sure, I could go over the historical inaccuracies that tally higher than the corpse count, but that would be pointless. This movie’s purpose isn’t to be a glimpse into Greek history, but instead just a silly bloodbath. It’s more of the same, but it’s also a re-establishing of the brand Snyder put out way back in 2007. It’s simple minded violence that’s visually exciting and a true thrill to watch play out as it challenges itself to become more ludicrous with it’s psychotic clashes. “Rise of an Empire” manages to do what the Greeks did so famously with their own myths. It takes the history and culture and bloats it to make the heroes appear unbeatable and the enemies hopelessly evil. It then weaves it in an entertaining fashion.

Patton Oswalt talks about hosting the 29th Annual Independent Spirit Awards

Back in 2006, the Independent Spirit Awards changed up their trophy system. Before 2006, winners at the awards show would receive an acrylic glass pyramid containing suspended shoestrings that symbolized the thin budget that independent movies would typically have to work with. They then changed it up to show a bird sitting atop of a pole with that the pole wrapped in shoestrings. So obviously the next logical step would be giving the winners a living, breathing bird. Right? Well that’s the plan at this year’s 29th annual awards. The host, Patton Oswald, was able to talk with me and other reporters at a press conference, to go over his avian stunt, comedic or not, as well as talk about what an honor it is to host this prestigious event.

Patton Oswalt is very familiar with the awards process. His first hosting duties were at the 39th annual Annie Awards where he was quick on his feet, especially when something went wrong, “I’m gonna be very, very aware if somebody reads the wrong cards. He read the wrong winner and I’ll try once again try to make a screw-up like that be delightful.” Even though he’s well known as a stand-up comedian, Patton has received recognition for his acting abilities throughout the years. Many people will remember him as the voice of Remy in “Ratatouille”, but his most recent portrayal as Matt Freehauf in “Young Adult,” landed him the New York Film Critics award for best supporting actor. So it’s understandable that Patton Oswalt would be ready to host the Independent Spirit Awards, but not a lot of hosts spend their time leading up to the awards preparing themselves for birds. but that’s what he’s been doing.

“I feel pretty ready. I’ve been down to the park a lot, chasing them around, yelling at them, so we’ll see,” Patton said jokingly. There should be no worries among animal activists or organizations. Patton says the birds will be well taken care of. The real challenge for him however, may actually be having to be around a bird, “I probably shouldn’t say this, but I have a paralyzing fears of birds…I don’t think it’ll affect my performance.” Patton says he wasn’t sure what kind of birds they would have though. Or even if they would be different for each nomination. He was sure that the winners would actually be able to keep their feathered prize, “They can keep them, they can set them free. Trust me, I know actors, I know directors, there’s all kinds of things they could do with birds, some I would rather not go into.” Patton said the birds will be cage free and actually be handled by the presenters and winners. With fears extinguished, Patton returned to the jokes by reassuring everyone that if anyone’s award…I mean bird…died days, months, or years later, the contingency plan would be to give the winner a baby cougar as a replacement.

It’s not odd for a comedian to host the Independent Spirit Awards. Previous hosts have included, Sarah Silverman, Steve Coogan and Eddie Izzard. When putting the jokes aside and getting to the meat of the night, anyone would gladly tell you they really look at the Independent Spirit Awards as a venue to see some great future filmmakers and actors as well as those who are deserving of some praise. Patton was no different. He really divulged a deep passion and appreciation for the awards, “For me, being the kind of film buff I am, this award show digs pretty deep into trying to find movies that took risks and rolled the dice. It rewards people that are clearly emerging that are going to be doing great stuff with their careers. What I also love is that they keep an eye open for veterans like Robert Redford and Bruce Dern who continue to take risks and seek out challenging, different material.”

Patton further proved his love for movies by rattling off some of his favorites at this year’s awards and he was not short of praise, “The crop of films they sent me was pretty stunning. ‘The Spectacular Now’ I thought was fantastic. I hope ‘Enough Said’ wins everything it gets nominated for. The documentary ‘The Act of Killing,’ I thought it was crucial. Hard to watch, but crucial. I really hope that Bruce Dern wins for ‘Nebraska’ because I thought he was just amazing. That guy’s had awards coming for a long time in my opinion, so that would be great.” Patton says he’s spent plenty of time catching up on movies and says that he was able to catch other award nominees like “Dallas Buyer’s Club,” “Short Term 12,” and the documentary “Computer Chess.”

With millions of viewers still choosing to watch the Oscars this year, it only seemed fitting that the last question for Patton Oswalt would be if the Independent Spirit Awards is a good predictor for the Academy. He didn’t shy away from the question, “I think it goes beyond that. I think that the Independent Spirit Awards are an important predictor of who you’re going to be rooting for in the Oscars, like ten years down the road. That’s what makes it so exciting for me, that this is like giving an award to Martin Scorsese in 1971 for ‘Who’s Knocking On My Door.’ You’re seeing people at the beginning of their, I’m going to use the word journey, but it really is. These are the future masters that you’re watching when they’re young and it makes it that much more crucial and stressful for me. I really want to do well by these guys because these are the people that are going to be making movies down the road that we’re going to be fighting over at the Oscars.”

For those interested (and how can you not be?), you can catch the 29th Annual Independent Spirit Awards on IFC, Sunday, March 1st. The fun begins at 10 p.m. EST/PST.

Film Review “Son of God”

Starring: Diogo Morgado, Roma Downey and Darwin Shaw
Directed By: Christopher Spencer
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 138 Minutes
20th Century Fox

Our Score: 2 out of 5 stars

I have to preface this review by stating that I attended Catholic school for four years. During those years I probably learned more about the Christian faith than I have at any other point in my life. No matter what grade, one part of our day was dedicated to a religion class. No, not learning about other religions and expanding our horizons, but instead just going over the same Biblical curriculum. Think of it in the same way they hammer in English and math lessons every year in schools. During religion class, we either read scripture, interpreted scripture or watched a good old fashioned New Testament movie. I watched almost every single kind, ranging from animated, black and white, silent, TV series and ones I’m fairly certain were created just for church distribution. Very few of them distinguished themselves when retelling the story of Jesus. “Son of God” is no different.

With hundreds of pages to go off, where does the movie begin? Well it never feels like it actually starts off anywhere and instead just dabbles throughout the beginnings of Jesus Christ (Morgado). I guess you could say it starts at his birth, but that literally occupies a couple of minutes in the movie. For some reason they try to establish Pontius Pilate (Greg Hicks) early on. He’s clearly a big player later in the story, but showcasing him on horseback while his minions kill people seems rather pointless. The story isn’t really set in stone. We have some random narrative from the Apostle John (Sebastian Knapp) that adds nothing. The first third of the movie is spent meandering from one random story to the next and surprisingly Christ’s baptism was not one of those stories. We reach some consistency when Jesus makes his final entry into Jerusalem before his crucifixion. I feel like most movies on the life of Christ hinge their emotional bets on the crucifixion. “Son of God” does too, but the payoff comes off passionless.

The movie oddly spends half it’s time dipping into the behind the scenes politics of the Romans and the Jewish elders bickering about Jesus. It saps previous screentime that could have been used to build the relationship Jesus had with the Virgin Mary (Downey) or his Apostles. The movie heavily focuses on the people who seem to lack faith in Christ’s abilities. Everyone from bystanders to his Apostles are constantly second guessing his claims and his miracles. As for the actors, they’re convincing enough in their roles, but nothing screams job security. Playing the Lord and Savior for over a billion people is a tough task, but Diogo Morgado is a bit underwhelming. He smiles some pearly whites when delivering a sermon, but Jesus wasn’t all niceties and politeness. One of the most pivotal stories of the New Testament is when Jesus becomes physically upset that the temple in Jerusalem has become a den of thieves and crooks who peddle their goods. This movie should call for Jesus to become physically upset (the only time it happens in the Bible), but instead becomes an obvious sign that Morgado may not have been the right man for the role.

This isn’t a bad movie, but it’s not a good movie either. This movie suffers from being way too vanilla with its material. It seems afraid to try anything new in terms of story telling. I had to ask myself after the movie: Why must a movie like this be made if there’s nothing creatively new to add? I know the immediate response would be to spread the word of God for a new generation. But I don’t think that’s a real reason if this movie is simply a cut and paste theatrical release of “The Bible” miniseries that was aired on the History Channel. Maybe I’m wrong. All I know is, future Catholic school kids will be stuck watching this when teacher feels like letting the TV do the lecturing.

Film Review “Pompeii”

Directed By: Paul W.S. Anderson
Starring: Kit Harington, Emily Browning and Carrie-Anne Moss
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 105 minutes
TriStar Pictures

Our Score: 2 out of 5 stars

I’m not a filmmaker, but I think I found the recipe for Hollywood’s latest CGI reimagining of history, “Pompeii”:

* A disregard for human life seen in every Roland Emmerich disaster movie.
* About three seasons worth of “Games of Thrones” stylized backstory crammed into a 40 minute introductory.
* A half-hearted attempt at “Gladiator” revenge
* Sexy women. Always gotta have that.
* A couple of veteran actors to legitimize everything above.

Maybe I’m a sociopath for going in and thinking the only interesting part of this movie would be Mother Earth smothering people in toxic volcanic ash, but I know when I walk into a movie called “Pompeii”, I would not expect any less. They barely deliver on that.

Alright, so let’s at least gloss over this story that took itself way too seriously to the point of cheesiness. Milo (Harington) is a Celtic slave who carries with him the horrific memories of his entire village and parents being slaughtered by Roman soldiers. He is the latest hot commodity among slave owners because of his seemingly invincible fighting skills in the gladiatorial ring. He’s transported to Pompeii where he’s expected to take on the equally invincible, Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje). Along the way, Milo encounters Cassia (Browning) by pure chance. And by pure chance, I mean they encounter each other while he’s being transported and she’s coming back from Rome…in a city of over 10,000 people. Regardless, she becomes automatically infatuated with him. Too bad the visiting Senator Corvis (Keifer Sutherland) already has his creepy eyes on her. Oh, did I mention he’s the one who led the slaughter of Milo’s village? I’m barely scratching the surface of every little, unexplained or barely touched on, side story. There’s stuff about an unseen Roman emperor, Corvis and Cassia have some history, her parents apparently have turmoil with the empire and some flimsy attempt at making us relate to Atticus’ long path towards freedom. You’ll be rooting for the volcano to just wipe them all out.

Look, when Paul W.S. Anderson’s (not the Paul Anderson that gave us “Boogie Nights”) name pops up in the first couple of moments, you know you’re in for something lacking in plot. This movie however does play to his strong suits, CGI and violence. The fight scenes are entertaining and the multiple scenes of hundreds of people dying are entertaining. But not a lot of other things really peaked my interest. Everyone in this movie talks in angry whispers and half their conversations are passive aggressive remarks. This movie would have been a lot more fun without a story, but a lot more memorable with one.

I shouldn’t be hating this movie too much, I’m a sucker for disaster movies. Despite the constant shifting in my seat throughout, I was attentive for the film’s final act of devastation; complete with a chariot chase. The CGI is great and surprisingly the 3D was well used, especially during the eruption. If you snoozed through middle school or never passed fourth grade history, you will undoubtedly head in not knowing what the ending will be. But most people will know there ‘s no last minute heroics. I mean, the only person who saw this first hand was in a different city watching from afar. He probably didn’t want to witness the horror that was Mount Vesuvius and you probably won’t want to waste your weekend watching this. Wait for a home viewing with friends and beer handy.

Film Review “Endless Love”

Starring: Alex Pettyfer, Gabriella Wilde and Bruce Greenwood
Directed By: Shana Feste
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 104 minutes
Universal Pictures

Our Score: 1 out of 5 stars

It must be that time of year. The quick cash in where nearly every company tries to find that bankable Valentine’s Day product. I’m not saying it isn’t a holiday(although that is up for debate), but unlike most economically driven holidays where plenty of businesses can spread out their plans over a couple of months, Valentine’s Day only hits home for a couple of days or just for the one week it rests upon. In terms of the movie industry, February is an opportune time to roll out some romance movies. This year the day of love falls on Friday and instead of taking that opportunity to shine, they’ve rolled out a cart of trash for everyone to feast on called “Endless Love”.

It’s graduation day at the only school in America that doesn’t have ugly teenagers. That’s where we meet David Elliot (Pettyfer). He looks about 10 years older than he’s suppose to be and looks so airbrushed you’d think they patterned the Ken doll off of him. Which raises even more questions as to how he’s single. Anyway…David is smitten by a girl he’s never even talked to, Jade Butterfield (Wilde). David tells us that he’s spent two years simply watching her from afar; too afraid to talk to the most antisocial, quiet girl in the school. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of more things that don’t make sense. So of course the only way for these two to finally meet and converse is at David’s job as a valet. He wins her over with a little grand theft auto and a bunch of quick near kisses. I’m barely 10 minutes in and I already wish I had the metaphorical watch to look at. So as we go through the motions, we realize that our protagonist of this movie will be Jade’s father, Hugh (Greenwood). This is because he automatically distrusts David’s chiseled good looks and scoffs at the fact he has no ambitions for college. Instead of character motivations, we’re given long speeches by characters that are horrendously written and sometimes woodenly delivered. These useless dialogues are suppose to make us feel like our characters have a deeper understanding of life, even though their asinine actions would tell us otherwise. Eventually I quit taking notes because I was putting way more thought into my review than the writers did on this script.

If you’ve never seen attractive white people fall in love before, then this movie will feel like a breath of fresh air. Since I doubt any of you haven’t, you’re going to get through the first act of this movie wondering if the projectionist left a Lifetime movie on by mistake. As you wait for the predictability to play out, you’ll begin to wonder if you’re actually trapped in a time loop where time doesn’t pass because the length really begins to feel like water torture as you pass the hour mark. Then the third act really drags out and pulls out nearly every soap opera twist it can find. This movie falls in the category of “romance movies”, but even admirers of that genre will find this movie incredibly stale. And as the old saying goes, if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.

As for the veteran actors in this movie, like Greenwood. You really feel sorry for them. The most agonizing moment comes when Robert Patrick is wheeled out as David’s father, Harry. He was probably has the only enjoyable moments because my mind wandered off to him trying to kill John Connor. It’s sad really. Hollywood had the chance to prove there’s plenty more to be done with the genre this week. They knew movie lovers would use this weekend as a chance to enjoy their two loves, their significant other and movies. Instead of dazzling them and giving them something memorable, Hollywood generated another generic and forgettable movie. You’re better off staying home with your loved one this Friday. Order a pizza and watch “Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown”. It’s more touching than this plane crash.

Film Review “RoboCop (2014)”

Directed By: Jose Padilha
Starring: Joel Kinnaman, Gary Oldman and Michael Keaton
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 118 minutes
Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer

Our Score: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Here comes the obligatory comparison of the new “RoboCop” to the beloved ultra violent 1987 version. Sure this 2014 reboot comes up short in a lot of aspects that its 27-year-old sibling nailed. It lacks the wit and slights against our media driven culture. It’s satire of American politics isn’t quite as clever or absurdly funny. Also, the violence has been toned down; so don’t expect bullets to cause human bodies to erupt in blood and limbs to be blown off. And worst of all, you won’t leave the theater with any witty one liners. Despite all that, Padilha’s version is well written and a lot of fun.

While the original dropped us into a decaying, future Detroit, this one dumps us into a seemingly modernized Detroit. Regardless, it still puzzles me why a global company and it’s CEO would set up shop in a city with the country’s worst crime and poverty level. Omnicorp, headed by Raymond Sellars (Keaton), is having some difficulty pushing their crime prevention robots. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want robotic soldiers and goliath sized drones with dual machine guns patrolling the streets to keep America safe? If it’s good enough to keep Iran under our iron fist in 2028, then it’s good enough to help Americans sleep at night. So with the help of Dr. Dennett Norton (Oldman), Sellars plans on selling the American public on something else. They’ll combine a damaged human body with their military-grade robotics, to ease the minds of the public by giving them a robot with a conscience. Enter Detroit policeman Alex Murphy (Kinnaman). He’s barely being kept alive after an attempt on his life via a car bomb by a couple of corrupt cops and an underground crime boss. They’ll take what’s left of Murphy’s body, but mostly his mind, and combine it with the hardware of a killing machine. He’s an instant success at putting a dent in crime, but things go south fast when he begins to investigate his own attempted murder.

This movie changes up the tone and sometimes takes itself a bit too seriously, but some of the emotional depth it employs actually works. With this cast, it’s really hard to go wrong when wringing out some new twists on the characters. Oldman plays a great conflicted doctor with flashes of Commissioner Gordon towards the end. Keaton settles in well as a smug, evil corporate villain. Keaton needs to be in more movies as the protagonist. Samuel Jackson really steals the show as Pat Novak, an obvious poke at Fox News pundits. Jackson must have been the only one to have read this script and realize he needs to plant his tongue in his cheek. His role also proves my theory that he’s contractually obligated to drop at least one F-Bomb, censored or not, in every movie he stars in. As for Kinnaman as RoboCop…he’s alright. He’s not outstanding, but if you’re anticipating Oscar worthy performances, you’re in the wrong movie.

I’m not here to tell you that the original is a classic that should have never been remade. To be honest, there’s no real reason the original can’t be revisited or reimagined. The ‘87 version was alright, but not a groundbreaking masterpiece with a twisted lens on our future. The movie was a guilty pleasure, but it was behind the wheel when driving itself into the ground with sequels and two live action and animated series. It is easy to understand a fan’s concern that this new version could be a lifeless mockery, but the movie really does come off as a fresh product for the rebooted series. While I was hoping for a “Dredd 3D” style reimagining, this reboot kept me entertained and managed to rekindle the absurdity of a RoboCop.

DVD Review “Jim Breuer: And Laughter For All”

Actors: Jim Breuer
Directors: Jay Chapman
Rated: NR (Not Rated)
Studio: IMAGE ENTERTAINMENT
DVD Release Date: November 26, 2013
Run Time: 58 minutes

Our Score: 3.5 out of 5 stars

At the beginning of this special, Jim Breuer questions himself about how he should do his latest stand-up special. He does this with multiple impersonations. From Joe Pesci to Ozzy Osbourne. It seems like an odd way to begin his latest special. A moment the live audience won’t see from his dressing room. It’s even more bizarre because it’s not necessarily funny, but if you don’t listen to metal, then you’re not gonna find too much to laugh at in the first 20 minutes.

I’m someone who owns every Iron Maiden, Metallica and Slayer album. Sadly though, I’ve only seen Slayer live. So when he kicks things off by talking about becoming an aging metalhead, he has my full attention. Jim Breuer has always had hard rock and metal as a staple of his stand-up, but this time around he’s hit his 40’s. He compares his usual suburban outings, dressing up and watching musicals, to convincing his wife to see Metallica and surviving the madness of Slayer fans. Just so you’re not too out of the loop, he cleverly compares fans seeing Eddie in Iron Maiden to children watching the plush children’s music group, the Wiggles.

If that’s not your cup of tea, he manages to tell the stories of life. The pitfalls of becoming a father, a “jungle safari” and talking about those unnecessary conversations he has with other parents about why his children don’t own a cell phone. He’s very skillful at weaving his stories and comically acting out the folks in his scenarios. He makes sure to complete his stories with Michael Winslow style, microphone induced sound effects. He manages to mouth everything he can from guttural noises to horns. Instead of joke after joke, it’s more like he’s laying out real and possible scenarios and tells it like a story. He really gets into it making full use of the stage to act out.

There doesn’t appear to be an overall theme to the stand-up, but most of his stand-ups that I’ve watched didn’t seem to have one. If there is an idea to this, it’s about how aging has changed his perspective on many things. He could change his stand-up. He could become more relatable. Maybe he could swear more or not swear at all. Those are the questions he poses at the beginning, but by the end when he recounts the day he decided to stand-up, it becomes clear. He loves what he’s done and there’s no reason to change now.

 

Related Content

Film Review “That Awkward Moment”

Starring: Zac Efron, Miles Teller and Michael B. Jordan
Directed By: Tom Gormican
Rated: R
Focus Features
94 Minutes

Our Score: 1 out of 5 stars

“That Awkward Moment” is the latest attempt at a bromantic comedy. I feel arthritis settling into my wrists as I type that prefix. Recent comedies and romances are trying to find the more affectionate and passionate side of males. It’s an attempt to break down the walls of gender and show that men can be hurt, endure love and loss and attempt to fill that emotional void by eating a pint of ice cream. If you’re reading this, you’ve probably experienced the pains of relationships and some of you have lost at the game called marriage. “That Awkward Moment” thinks it’s tackling relationships in a fresh way, but instead feels like a horrendously sexist retreading of every romantic movie you’ve seen before.

Mikey (Jordan) has just recently found out his wife has been cheating on him. His marriage is crumbling and he can’t quite face the facts. So he turns to his two best friends, Jason (Efron) and Daniel (Teller). Unlike Mikey, the only character in the movie who shows signs of thought and concern, Jason and Daniel are on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. They still go to the bar and pick up chicks for a one night stand. Daniel even has a girl to help him be his wingman. At some point between the terrible jokes and predictable story, the three make a pact to not get into a relationship. I can’t believe I just witnessed that. I just watched a movie justify the character’s motivations, to sleep with random drunk girls they meet at the bar, by saying it’s for their friend who’s going through a divorce. That flimsy, barely mentioned pact, is what causes the main characters to display a failure of commitment towards the women they fall in love with in this movie. Mikey tries to reconcile with his wife, Daniel falls for his wingman(obviously) and of course Jason meets a quirky girl to fall for. And this pile of garbage just expects us to just go with it….for thousandth time in movie history.

Jordan and Teller starred in a pair of my favorite movies last year, “The Spectacular Now” and “Fruitvale Station”. To see them go from the top of their game to trying their best quick fire Judd Apatow liners about the color of a penis is a head shakingly bad drop off. After going home to look up who would ever put a pen to paper over this movie, I found out that it was on the 2010 Hollywood Blacklist. A list considered to be the best unproduced screenplays. So what the hell happened? My best guess is that the script was one page and simply said, “I have an idea that involves Zac Efron going bare ass”. But seriously, I think that none of these actors have comedic timing, but it’s not like any of the jokes were going to really cause side splitting laughter with the right talent. Even when the joke should be done, it continues flailing manically like a train off the tracks before crashing into a theater of silence.

There are no twists and turns, which gave me plenty of time to think during this dumpster fire. I managed to play out the rest of the movie in my head before it happened. I waited for their chauvinistic schemes to fall apart followed by the proverbial get back together happy ending trap all these movies have. It’s not entirely too easy to hate this movie because the actors are in this are easy to like. They’re just portraying unlikeable people. These people would be tolerable if you actually felt like there was some camaraderie and emotion behind them discovering that they’ve reached that special age where they want something more. Even if this movie was fine tuned, it’d still feel like it’s sputtering along for 94 minutes. Instead you’re left with this. And then comes that awkward moment where you ask the ticket taker if you can get a refund.

Film Review “Ride Along”

Starring: Ice Cube, Kevin Hart and Tika Sumpter
Directed By: Tim Story
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 100 minutes
Universal Pictures

Our Score: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Laughter can only go so far. I’ll admit I laughed a few times during “Ride Along”, but they were short lived. Every once and a while there appeared to be the rumblings of chemistry between Ice Cube and Kevin Hart, but the man behind the camera failed to pick up on it. You could see it, but there never was a payoff. It almost felt like Hart and Cube had to stick to the garbage script and were forced into the comedic stereotypes audiences expect them to play. Laughter can be a cure in a weak movie. We can overlook its flaws when the humor is hearty and consistent. “Ride Along” is not one of those movies.

Ben (Hart) is a video game junkie who applies his first person shooter knowledge to his supposed cop instincts and skills. He’s a school security guard who garnishes respect by being verbally persuasive with the students. He’s currently seeing Angela (Sumpter), a curvy woman who is way out of his league. Seriously. There are moments you question what she even sees in him. He seems slightly unhappy in life, but hopes to change that after being accepted into a police academy. Enter our obligatory problem: He has to impress his potential, future brother-in-law James (Cube) by going on a…you guessed it…a ride along. This allows James two opportunities. One is to ruin Ben’s dreams of being a cop and the other is to hopefully get rid of the man, who refers to his penis as the “Black Hammer,” from his younger sister’s life.

OK. I will concede. That’s not a bad set-up for a potential string of funny scenes and jokes. But the movie has put Cube’s foul mouth in check and whittled Hart’s character down to the goofy guy who screams like a girl and falls a lot. It gets dull watching Hart act crazy and hysterical to fill the void of humor. Of course halfway through the movie the main “plot” is abandoned for a predictable side story that involves James going against his Lieutenant’s orders and chasing down Omar. Omar is an elusive, dangerous and never before seen criminal that James has been tracking for years.

The writer’s for “Ride Along” really must have relied on the preconceived notion that anyone entering the film will already love Kevin Hart and Ice Cube. Which for most of the audience I was with, was true. If you’re not a fan of either or a half-hearted follower, then you’re going to be greatly disappointed. You’re going to be waiting for that over the top moment followed by a wink at the screen from Ice Cube. But it never comes. You’re going to be waiting for at least one memorable liner you can quote to your friends in the parking lot. It fails to materialize. Simply put, this movie fails at being a comedy and falls apart when trying to be a cop action movie.

“Ride Along” steals all the typical cliches without injecting any ingenuity or originality into them. This movie never settles on what it wants to be or allows our actors to dictate what it will be. After going home and letting what I just saw soak in, I read that they had already greenlighted a sequel. Let’s hope the writers can man up to some constructive criticism because I’d like to see these two in a fresh, fluid cop movie. I actually want to have fun with ride along instead of feeling like I’m being dragged along.

Michael Rosenbaum talks about his directorial debut “Back in the Day”

For nearly a decade, Superman fans came to love Michael Rosenbaum for his portrayal of Lex Luthor on “Smallville”. During that time Michael also found time to act in other TV shows and movies as well as voicing the Flash for DC’s animated universe. For the past two years though, Michael has been working on something near and dear to his heart. His first movie, “Back in the Day”, details a lot of his experiences growing up in a small town in Indiana. Some of those experiences are hilarious as well as very touching. Media Mikes was able to talk with Michael about his labor of love as well as the trials and tribulations with working on his first film.

Jeremy Werner: When watching “Back in the Day”, you really get this vibe that this is a love letter to the people and town that you spent your best years in.
Michael Rosenbaum: Oh yeah…I go back twice a year for whiffle ball. I really embrace the city. I really love where I grew up…cutting backyards, drinking out of firehoses, catching fireflies and playing baseball as a kid…It was a little bit of a love letter. I wanted it to be authentic and I wanted people to see how beautiful it can be instead of a stereotypical, ‘Oh I hate the small town and these people are rednecks’. It’s just the opposite of that. I’m very proud of where I grew up.

JW: I assume that every character in this movie is based off someone that you knew growing up.
MR: (laughs) Oh yeah, it is. Skunk is a real character played by Harland Williams…A lot of these things happened. I’ve known these guys for a long time, so it’s an exaggeration and loosely based on a lot of these guys, but definitely. There’s kind of a lot of characters all rolled up in one…I was kind of a nerd in high school and couldn’t get laid. So the girl in the movie is the one I had my first time with mixed in with the most beautiful girl in the world I could never get. They’re all based on the idea or of people that I knew.

JW: I’m almost afraid to ask, (laughs) but there’s a mom who drinks and smokes in the movie…did you know someone like that?
MR: (laughs)…You see some of those things every once and a while and you’ve seen it. That girl was a little bit of an exaggeration, but I hope that people find that funny…that was an exaggeration of someone I sort of knew, who when I go back home, I kind of still see every once and a while and it’s a big exaggeration…I thought she was just a larger than life character and people do that. They actually smoke light cigarettes and they’re smoking occasionally. They think it’s OK. They occasionally drink…an occasional shot of whiskey. So I think there are people out there.

JW: So have your friends watched this movie yet?
MR: They love it…they thought they were gonna see something shot on an iPhone and we had the budget to about do that (laughs). The laughs were loud, it’s great to see it with an audience…so far everyone has really enjoyed it. Obviously there’s some offensive moments and I’m sure somebody will say this isn’t for me, but it’s not for everybody. There is heart…so there’s a little bit of something for everybody. It’s what I wanted to make. I’m happy with that.

JW: How much of yourself did you put into the movie’s main character, Jim Owens?
MR: I obviously have a lot to be thankful for and I’ve done it all for myself and God bless, but there’s always a part of me that longs to be back home. I miss that side, that part of my life. Jim left someone behind, a girl he was in love with. I think that we all wanna find that, that love and he remembers that she was probably the best thing to ever happen to him and even though it happened years ago, he’s seeing what happens. I think there’s a big part of Jim in me or me in Jim because I think a lot of people long to go home and they miss home. Sometimes when they’re home, they realize: I do love home. But maybe I was destined to be an actor. I was destined to be a doctor somewhere or was destined to be…whatever it was. To each his own. I miss my friends back home. I miss the simplicity of being in a small town and living in a neighborhood and having seasons. I’m in Los Angeles and as beautiful as it is and you go to the beach and you have all these great things in life…everybody will sit there and go, “Oh my God. I’d love to have your life”. It’s funny because I’d like to have their life in a lot of ways too…It’s kind of mixing it. I think you can have the best of both worlds.

JW: So with so many memories, when did you start work on this script?
MR: Well, it’s one of those things where it was one of the first scripts I’d written and then I kind of let it go because it’s too small for a studio to buy and go, “Yes! It’s gonna be a big blockbuster comedy.” They consider it not high concept enough, I would say. I was trying to say, “I know these characters, wait until you see them.” It’s funny, I wrote it so long ago that I started working on all these other projects and then when another movie that I was suppose to make fell through…I was asked, “Do you have anything you wrote on growing up in Indiana?” I said, “Holy shit, I do.” I kind of switched gears and within three months I was prepping this movie and I pulled it out of the woodwork. I updated it a bit and I asked my friends to be in it. It’s a passion project. I can’t believe this movie is my first. Honestly, it was my first step in directing and it was the best first step. I hope people look at it and go, “Wow! For a million bucks, this is friggin’ funny. It looks great.”…You hope that people appreciate it and you hope you can get your second shot and that’s what I’m aiming towards.

JW: Was there a lot of pressure going into this?
MR: Yeah, I didn’t know how much work it was until I started doing it and then I realized…how am I gonna do this scene in one day? I don’t have enough money for this stunt, how am I gonna do that? How am I gonna get these actors from LA…and why would they do some independent movie in the middle of Indiana for no money in the dead of winter? So there’s a lot of obstacles. Then you finally make it happen and then you’re shooting and you start to have more problems. It’s raining…a snowstorm is coming in…whatever’s happening. Oh my God, it can’t be a Christmas movie anymore, it’s getting warm now. And then how do we finish the movie…and then post-production. How can we afford sound design? How can we afford a composer? How can we afford getting the songs that I really wanted to be in this movie? And then all of sudden we’re trying to screen the movie and we only have ‘x’ amount of weeks to edit it and now we’re trying to sell it. On a studio movie, once you’re done directing and cut, you’re done. Studio takes over and they have an infrastructure. With an independent movie there’s multitasking and I’ve been doing a ton of jobs with my amazing producer, Kim Waltrip and my post supervisor Aaron Peak, for no money. I haven’t taken a job for a year and a half because I’ve become so invested in this.

JW: Is there another script you have in mind after this?
MR: Yeah, I can’t really name it. There’s a camp movie that I’m considering directing that I wrote. I also wrote a TV show that we’re probably gonna shoot digitally for a studio. So that’s in negotiations…a lot of good stuff on the horizon.

JW: Now finally…as a nerd, I gotta ask…
MR: Do it!

JW: (laughs)…have you gotten any calls to be Lex Luthor in the upcoming Batman vs. Superman movie?
MR: The fans have been unbelievable. They’ve tweeted me, I’ve tweeted back…I’ve been to conventions and they always ask me, “Would you do it?” And I’m not an idiot, of course I’d do it. I’d love to do it. But I think Joaquin Phoenix is probably gonna do it or somebody. I’m a big Zack Snyder fan. Obviously, I think I could play the role. I would do it in a heartbeat, but I don’t hold my breath because I know there’s the stigma, “He was the TV Smallville Lex Luthor.” I say that sarcastically, but I think it’s a shame. If people like the role and what I did with it, then they should consider it. But I’m not the director. I’m not the producer. Long story short, I’d do it in a fucking heartbeat.

 

Related Content

Nick Swardson talks about film “Back in the Day” and FX new series “Chozen”

Nick Swardson is probably best known for his role in “Grandma’s Boy” and cameo appearances in numerous Happy Madison films, but a quick look at his career shows that he’s an incredibly busy guy. For people who aren’t familiar with Swardson’s work, he started doing stand-up at age 18 and since then has gone on to produce, write and act. Die hard fans have known this for years that he’s constantly writing, acting and working on fresh material for his stand-up. Media Mikes had the chance to catch up with Nick and ask him about the numerous TV and movie projects he’s been working on for 2014, as well as a new comedy special.

Jeremy Werner: It looks like you got a busy year ahead of you…especially this month. Let’s start off with “Back in the Day” which comes out on January 17th. How did you land the role of Ron?
Nick Swardson: Michael Rosenbaum, the director/writer, is a buddy of mine and he just called me up and he’s like, “Man I got this passion project I’m doing. It’s low budget. We have no money.” He goes, “It’s a great character. You’ll kill it. We’ll shoot in Indiana. It’d be fucking great to have you.” So he sent me the script and I thought it was a really funny character and it was something different than what I’ve done in the past. Ya know, it wasn’t a crazy character. It was a grounded, real dude. So I was pretty stoked. So as a favor to Michael too, I wanted to help him out. So I did it.

JW: Was there anything you had to differently than in past roles?
NS: It was just a lot more understated. I didn’t have to come in to the scene and be insane. This role is also based on a real guy so I was kind of interested to play a real dude…and I talked to Michael a lot about what this guy was like. So it was fun to play a real person.

JW: Was it a role that he had you in mind for the entire time he was writing it?
NS: He had the script for like 10 years. He had it for a long time. So I don’t know who he had initially envisioned, but he called me first.

JW: Now also this month, you have a big release on TV. “Chozen” premieres January 13th on FX and you play Troy. What can you tell us about that character?
NS: Troy plays Chozen’s nerdy, minion friend. He kind of saves him from bullies and so they become pals. Chozen shows him this whole world of sex and drugs. It’s pretty funny. The show’s pretty crazy..it’s one of the craziest things I’ve done and I’ve done a lot of crazy shit. Working with Danny McBride is awesome. His company is amazing. I love all the “Eastbound and Down” guys…it’s FX, so they really push the envelope.

JW: As a comedian, does voice acting provide you a lot of opportunities to improvise or are you restricted?
NS: No. I’m never restricted in anything I do. I only do projects where I can bring a lot to the table. I use to get fired just because I improvised a lot. It’s the main thing I do, I love improvising.

JW: I’ve read that usually in voice acting, you’re just kind of in a booth on your own. Who were you able to bounce jokes and ideas off of with your character?
NS: Usually you’re all alone…you’re just sitting in a booth and the producers are in the other room, so you just kind of run with it. They’ll give you a thumbs up if it’s good or they’ll do the heads up and tell you if it works. They’ll just feed you ideas…but it’s a great gig.

JW: Later this year you’ll also be voicing a character in the animated movie, “Hell & Back”. You actually voiced a character in the kid’s movie “Bolt”, but based on the premise I was reading…this is not a kid’s movie.
NS: (Laughs) Yeah, that’s pretty insane. It’s stop motion, so it looks like a kid’s movie. So if a kid saw it on TV he’d be like, “Oh! I wanna see this!” But it’s a hard, hard ‘R’. That’s another project that me and Danny McBride are both in with TJ Miller and Mila Kunis. It’s a great cast and that one’s gonna be really awesome. We’re finishing that up this week. I’ve got like one more record session…we’re really excited about that.

JW: Now with all these projects, are you working on any comedy specials this year?
NS: Yeah, I’ve been developing for the last two years, a new hour special and a new tour. So we’re looking to tour in the Spring…early Summer. Shoot the special maybe sometime in the Summer. It’s definitely in the works. It’s been a long time coming, but I’m really excited..it’s coming together really well.

JW: Anything you can tell us about it?
NS: It’s just more stories, drinking jokes and it’s nothing too out of the box. I’m not all of a sudden really political. If you’re a fan of mine, you’ll be happy with it. The new hour’s going really well. I think the title of it is gonna be, ‘Taste It’.

JW: I know last year you were talking about a show you were working on called “Bro-Sassin”. How is that coming along?
NS: Bro-Sassin’s done. It didn’t fly. The network just didn’t get it. They thought it was gonna be too expensive…so they kind of backed off it, which bums me out, man. I wrote the pilot and it was really funny. People loved it, I’m gonna save the idea for a movie. I sold a new show to FX. My own show with the director of “Grandma’s Boy” and Danny McBride’s producing it. It’s called “Game On”. It’s like the office of a video game company…so we’re developing the pilot right now.

JW: Does that have any connections to “Grandma’s Boy”?
NS: Not really.

JW: Looks like you got a lot of stuff going on, is there anything else you’re working on for later this year?
NS: A lot of it depends on the pilot with FX and shooting that, seeing if we get picked up. That’s the primary focus right now. I’m developing two other feature scripts. So if this FX pilot grows, I’m gonna jump into an idea I sold to Sandler and Happy Madison and I’ll hopefully write that next Fall and start developing that.

Film Review “Lone Survivor”

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Taylor Kitsch and Eric Bana
Directed By: Peter Berg
Rated: R
Running Time: 121 minutes
Universal Pictures

Our Score: 4.5 out of 5 stars

You’re deep in the mountains of Afghanistan and you’re there to eliminate a dangerous Taliban leader. The only problem is, during recon, you’ve been discovered. Three goat herders have stumbled across you. One of them is a weathered old man, another is a young boy and completing the trio is a bitter young adult whose body language screams hatred. You can kill them and continue with the mission. Or you could leave them tied up to starve to death or get eaten by wolves. Or you can let them go and risk the entire mission and your safety. It’s not easy to kill and it’s not easy to condemn a man to death. It’s even harder to give yourself that fate. “Lone Survivor” is about four soldiers making that decision and witnessing hell.

The title makes it easy to assume things will not turn out well. This is reinforced by an establishing sequence of events showing you Marcus (Wahlberg) being brought in by helicopter, covered in blood stained bandages. Nonetheless the movie’s first 40 minutes attempts to establish our four main men. Besides Marcus, there’s Michael (Kitsch), Danny (Emile Hirsch) and Matt (Ben Foster). Before we have time to digest their personalities or soak in their background, we’re being thrust into Operation Red Wing. The goal is to kill or capture Ahmad Shah. The operation is being headed by Lieutenant Commander Erik (Bana). Just like our four main characters, we’re not acquainted long enough with Erik before he’s commanding our boys into the Kunar province. That’s where a routine part of the mission, surveillance, goes haywire.

The conversation between the soldiers is very honest. It’s not a decision any of us could ever make. It’s a moral dilemma that reveals a very human side to war. It’s easy to sympathize with both sides of the argument, but it’s clear what the decision will be: Letting the goat herders live. As far as movies about modern war go, this one deserves to be one of the models on how it’s done. The direction plops us right into the middle of the action as they realize their decision has doomed them. Some shots are so viciously intimate you feel twitches of pain watching these men’s bodies crack and break. The cinematography adds such a brutal touch to the shootout and the camera is not afraid of getting a bit bloody.

The best thing this movie does is avoid any kind of political stance. In a time where we continue to bicker about the “what ifs” of our contemporary wars, it’s a bit refreshing to watch a movie that’s nonpolitical. Instead of beating the war drums or waving the banner of peace, I feel that this movie’s purpose is to be a harsh slap of reality. We don’t need director Peter Berg to build up the human side of our characters before showcasing their fears and realizations of mortality because we’ve spent over a decade realizing some harsh truths about our world. Inherently, we already know the terror that happens overseas. We’ve also read and have seen the mental, emotional and physical toll of America’s soldiers. Berg simply let’s the story unfold naturally and gives us a very brisk and unsettling true-to-life battle.

Film Review “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty”

Starring: Ben Stiller, Kristen Wiig, and Shirley MacLaine
Directed By: Ben Stiller
Rated: PG
Running Time: 114 minutes
20th Century Fox

Our Score: 3 out of 5 stars

Walter Mitty (Stiller) has lived a dry life. His dating profile is barren. Not because he’s shy, but because he draws a blank when asked if he’s ever gone anywhere or done anything exciting. Ironically he is a long time photo department employee for the magazine “Life”. He’s lived a longer and more fulfilling life in his head. As his sister says, he zones out and begins to image a complex fantasy sprawl out in front while blocking out the real world. He sees himself as a true hero, constantly in the throes of battle or immersing himself in a wild adventure. Instead he’s spent years developing the photos of world traveler Sean O’Connel (Sean Penn) in the basement of the “Life” building.

Today he learns that “Life” has been acquired and will become an all online magazine. The company has brought in a new smug boss, Ted (Adam Scott). He’s a hot shot who’s clueless about how the company is run. Ted says the magazine’s final publication will feature an image that Sean has deemed as the quintessence of life. What is that image? Don’t know. Mitty has lost the negative and is quietly scrambling to find it. The beginning may not sound exciting, but the tapestry that is Walter’s imagination, is a saving grace. He saves animals from exploding buildings and in a light hearted moment, skews Benjamin Button.

His love interest in the movie, Cheryl (Wiig), seems to be the driving factor behind Walter’s sudden change of direction. Instead of accepting defeat, he pushes himself to globe trot in order to find Sean and ask what his final negative was. The film does begin to lose a major component of storytelling when Walter’s vivid imagination begins to phase out as he begins to encounter his own fanciful situations. How many people can say they’ve fought a shark in the water or sped away from a volcanic cloud of ash? As neat as though actual adventures are, I’d much rather watch Walter surf on gravel and duel Ted over a Stretch Armstrong.

Give ample credit to Ben Stiller for painting such a beautiful world for Walter, real and fake. Behind the camera, Stiller is smart enough to let the beautiful countryside of Iceland speak for itself in multiple scenes, but fails to give Walter a big enough playground even in the realm of his own visions. In front of the camera, Stiller puts his usual movie goofyness aside and plays the humble Walter well. Kristen Wiig is equally charming in her role as a single mom willing to let Walter into her life. One of my favorite parts of this movie is the fantastic indie soundtrack. The music meshes well when used as a simple bed for the scene to nestle on or when it overtakes the sound of everything.

Walter’s a likable guy and he’s very relatable since we’ve all had our fair share of daydreams. Who doesn’t wanna show up their boss in front of their co-workers? It’s easy to become disinterested and tired of the story as it stumbles beneath it’s frantic feet, but if your hearts in the right place, you’ll have a smile on your face as you exit the theater.

 

Related Content

Film Review “Walking with Dinosaurs 3D”

Starring the Voices of: John Leguizamo, Justin Long and Tiya Sircar
Directed by: Neil Nightingale and Barry Cook
Rated: PG
Running Time: 87 minutes
20th Century Fox

Our Score: 1 out of 5 stars

I try my hardest not to walk into a film with any preconceived notions that may ruin the movie going experience for me. I may see a commercial for it or see a tidbit in the news about it, but that doesn’t affect my opinion. I tell myself every time after a commercial, “That 30 seconds is not the movie.” Before the movie even begins I stash away what reservations I do have when “BBC Earth” pops up as one of the studios. The same studio that has brought us critically acclaimed documentaries like “Frozen Planet”, “Life” and others.“Maybe there is hope for this movie,” I think to myself. After the second vomit joke and the flick’s first poop joke, I think BBC Earth might wanna consider burning whatever bridges they have to this movie.

So what happened to this well shot film? First we start off with our modern day introduction. A useless subplot has uncle Zack (Karl Urban) taking his nephew Ricky and his niece Jade to a local spot to do some paleontology. Already I feel bad for Mr. Urban. Obviously the nephew is too cool to dig around for dinosaurs, so he lingers back. That’s when he hears Alex, a talking bird (Leguizamo), who plans to change his mind. Alex then becomes the narrator to a trio of pachyrhinosaurus. The first is Patchi (Long), a young dino with plenty of shortcomings and no charm. The second is his love at first glance friend, Juniper (Sircar). But Patchi’s annoying older brother Scowler (Stone) who spouts off tough guy lingo also likes Juniper. Not for any other reason besides ownership. Literally. As for the plot, it’s another copy and paste story line with a dry theme about courage. Unless you’re a girl. Then the moral of the story is, men will fight to own you. Deal with it.

The supposed narrative by Alex is confusing. He switches from talking to Patchi, to narrating the movie, to possibly talking to our human back in present time and then speaking directly to the audience. It’s frustrating and a definite sign that there were about four different ideas crammed into this movie. Three of those ideas were terrible.The one idea that could have worked, teaching kids about dinosaurs, is buried. I’m sure co-director Neil Nightingale was the redeeming quality while everyone else decided crude bowel movement humor should triumph science and learning.

Another confusing aspect is that the dinosaurs by themselves already make animal sounds. They moan, whine, roar and coo. The voice-overs feel like they were done at the last minute. It really seems like Justin Long and Tiya Sircar cashed their check before entering the studio. I don’t know who thought it would be a good idea to Mystery Science Theater these creatures, but it was a terrible idea. The movie would have been miles better without it’s dubbed demeaning dialogue exchanges and juvenile jokes.

At it’s very basic minimal core, it’s a made for TV documentary on dinosaurs with grade ‘A’ graphics. It probably would have been in science classes on days where the teacher would rather dim the lights and let the glow of the TV do the lecturing. What we have instead is a confusing movie overflowing with verbal garbage and tacky plot devices. There’s plenty of better options for children’s movies this holiday and better ways to teach them about these prehistoric creatures. Here’s a final warning: Despite your parental cries of agony, the theater will not mute the screen.