Film Review: “Lost Girls & Love Hotels”

Starring: Alexandra Daddario, Takehiro Hira and Carice van Houten
Directed by: William Ollson
Rated: R
Running Time: 97 minutes
Astrakan Releasing

During the pandemic, one of the podcasts that I’ve been listening to has talked a lot about how the powers to be should release “Chaos Walking.” Firstly, they want to see a Charlie Kaufman written film. Secondly, they say the studio has re-shot, re-edited and shelved the movie several times over the past several years. The podcast hosts are generally curious if it’s bad and how bad it really is. As much as I’m curious to see a movie with Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley, that was written by the wildly creative Charlie Kaufman, I also understand that sometimes a movie is simply bad, but not an entertaining train wreck like “The Room” or “Catwoman.” Sometimes they’re just awful and forgettable.

There’s plenty of examples, but the most recent one is “Lost Girls & Love Hotels,” a movie that’s almost spent three years collecting dust. From what I gather, it’s been kicked around for nearly a decade and a half in Hollywood, based on a book by the same name. The plot is pretty simple. Margaret (Daddario) lives in Japan as a teacher of sorts, helping flight attendants with their English. After work, she wanders aimlessly throughout bars and other clubs, having sex with strangers, drinking copious amounts of alcohol, and generally staring off into space. But her sex life is the main focus, since she prefers it rough. Rough like, being choked with a belt and being tied up with zip ties or rope. I’d make some comparisons to “50 Shades of Grey,” but “Lost Girls & Love Hotels” predates “50 Shades Grey” by about five years.

The movie is a poor character study/sexual exploration trip through what I assume is Japan’s Red Light District. Unfortunately none of it is interesting. The main reason being that Margaret isn’t compelling. We can tell that she’s damaged, but we never get a feeling or even told about the extent of that damage. The information we do get is so cliché it makes you think this concept was written during the steamy sex thrillers of the 90s. When Margaret encounters Kazu (Hira), a dangerous criminal of some sort, she begins to sexually and emotionally open up, but nothing substantial about her emotions or thoughts are revealed. I could understand if it’s intentionally up for interpretation, but it’s so vague that the viewer’s interpretation can fly wildly from one extreme to another.

I assume the other characters are simply surrounding Margaret because we’re supposed to mine Margaret’s internal thoughts from questions she asks other characters, since she’s never interested in divulging about herself. However, the characters seem to act and talk to her like they know everything and don’t need to ever pick her brain. About halfway through, I think, we finally learn why she’s in Japan and why she’s a bare minimum teacher of basic flight services. That’s pretty much it in terms of character exposition. As the film goes on, Margaret’s self-destructive nature feels more nihilistic than sympathetic. There comes a moment where Margaret drunkenly stumbles across a missing poster for a young girl. The movie wants us to feel like this is poignant, but instead it comes off as tone deaf.

Bad storytelling aside, there’s really not a lot this film does right, if at all. Some scenes are so dark, I’m not sure what the hell is going on, and some characters are speaking so softly, I’m not sure what the hell they’re saying. I wish I could say something positive for the cast, because I do think the majority of them are talented, but I can’t think of a single thing. “Lost Girls & Love Hotels” is horrendously unoriginal, has nothing to say, and somehow makes BDSM sex look like the most boring thing on the planet. 

Film Review: “Baywatch”

Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron and Alexandra Daddario
Directed by: Seth Gordon
Rated: R
Running time: 1 hr 56 mins
Paramount

Our Score: 3.5 out of 5 Stars

Before I begin I want to tell you a story. I’ve only seen one episode of the “Baywatch” television show. It was at my friend Marty Kircher’s house and I couldn’t believe how someone of his age (late 30’s) could find the show interesting. The part I remember most was a scene with David Hasselhoff climbing on board a boat which had a man tied up in the middle of it. “What the hell is he doing,” I asked, “he’s a damn LIFEGUARD!” As if on cue, the Hoff looks into the camera and says, “I haven’t seen this much C-4 since my time in the Navy Seals.” Marty turns to me and says, “See! He was a NAVY SEAL!” Thankfully the makers of the new “Baywatch” film don’t take their movie as seriously as Marty would.

Mitch Buchannon (Johnson) is the main man on the beach. With summer starting it’s time for Mitch and his fellow lifeguards to pick three young wannabes to learn the ropes. He is surprised when former Olympic swimmer Matt Brody (Efron) shows up and announces he’s now a “part of the team.” Stuck with Matt, Mitch also chooses Summer Quinn (Daddario) and Ronnie Greenbaum (Jon Bass) to complete his trio of newbies. Summer seems to have the skills necessary to save lives. Ronnie…well, Ronnie has heart! And that’s all you need to be a part of “Baywatch!”

Consistently funny with a few slow spots, “Baywatch” thankfully follows the formula that other television-shows-to-movies like “21 Jump Street” have in that it doesn’t take itself TOO seriously. Leading this charge is Johnson, who seems to want to let us know that it’s OK to laugh at things we find funny. And Johnson has fun as well, making fun of the new guard. Brody, who is surely inspired by American Olympian Ryan Locte, has rubbed Mitch wrong and Mitch confirms this by calling Brody pretty much everything BUT his name. One Direction. Bieber. High School Musical. Brody answers to all three and more. Completing the team are Kelly Rohrbach as C.J. and Ilfenish Hadera as Stephanie. Together they must investigate the recent growing of a new drug kingpin without attracting the wrath of the local police, who look upon the lifesaving gang with spite.

Both Johnson and Efron are well cast. I don’t know why but every time Johnson came on screen I began thinking about his character, Maui, from “Moana.” Efron, who reportedly exercised himself down to 5% body fat, plays up the “swimming Bad Boy” character for laughs, though as the film progresses you do begin to feel a little affinity for him. The supporting cast is also funny but I would be remiss if I didn’t give a special shout out to Jon Bass, who steals the film as Ronnie. And if you fans of the television series keep your eyes peeled, you may spot a familiar face or two.

All in all, a fun film you should wait 15 minutes after eating to see!