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Film Review: “Herd”

Starring: Ellen Adair, Mitzi Akaha and Jeremy Holm
Directed by: Steven Pierce
Rated: NR
Running Time: 97 minutes
Dark Sky Films

Our Score: 1.5 out of 5 Stars

Despite the saturation of the zombie genre over the past few decades, I still have a soft spot for it. Films like “The Sadness” and “Wyrmwood: Apocalypse” show there’s plenty of fun ideas to still explore within the genre. Then other films seem to simply retread tired clichés, like how humans are worse than zombies or how we’ll fight each other before we fight zombies. Unfortunately, despite an interesting beginning, I’d put “Herd” in the latter category.

Jamie (Ellen Adaiar) and Alex (Mitzi Akaha) are going on a canoe camping trip to repair their breaking relationship. Things get tense during the trip and Alex injures her leg, trapping the duo near Jamie’s hometown, filled with bad memories, two warring factions, and a potentially abusive parent. On top of that, the zombie apocalypse has apparently broken out. While the calamity could provide some fresh meat to the genre, “Herd” goes a lot of predictable routes before it’s finale.

The obvious social commentary in “Herd” is ones we’ve seen before like the breakdown of civilization through overt classism and distrust of one another. “Herd” tries to bring a bit more to the table by offering up the LGBTQ+ relationship of Jamie and Alex. The duo worries about whether or not they’ll be accepted by what few people are left, or as the film title explicitly implies, the herd. It doesn’t necessarily work since the armed men running the show seem more afraid of every cough and sniffle they hear, but it’s clearly a commentary on how small-town acceptance only extends to straight white people.

Other than the commentary, the middle of the film tries to be a character study, focusing on the characters fears and concerns. It would have worked better if the humans and zombies were menacing. Like I said, the men with guns seem more concerned about the other men with guns and every time they hear someone clear their throat. The zombies are slow moving and are covered in boils, yet sometimes seem unconcerned with actually chomping into someone’s flesh. Instead they growl, claw and make gurgling scream sounds.

I’m willing to forgive bad zombie films as long as I’m entertained, but nothing about the “Herd” kept me engaged. The only thing that kept me going was the hope that the ending would somehow pull the rug out from under me or tie everything together in a way that would make my jaw drop. It didn’t, but I’ll give credit for the unpredictable nature of it. There’s a lot of skill, craft and effort in “Herd,” but all of that was bogged down by an uninspired script that made the 97-minute runtime feel like a zombie crawl.

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Film Review: “When Evil Lurks”

Starring: Ezequiel Rodríguez, Demián Salomón and Silvina Sabater
Directed by: Demián Rugna
Rated: NR
Running Time: 99 Minutes
IFC Films

Our Score: 4 out of 5 Stars

On the same weekend that “When Evil Lurks” hits theaters, audiences will also be treated to “The Exorcist: Believer,” which is kind of ironic. That’s because 1973’s “The Exorcist” created the book on demon possession tropes. While I’m sure “Believer” has the book in hand throughout most of its film, “When Evil Lurks” clearly skimmed through and decided to make its own unflinching and unforgiving rules.

The Argentinian film opens on two brothers in a rural village hearing gunshots in the night. They speculate what it is, but decide to investigate in the morning. Their investigation leads them to half a corpse and then to a house where they find a putrid, bloated, rotting, but still alive human referred to as “the rotten.” The woman of the household urges them to leave it alone even though the obese creature is on the verge of birthing evil itself. The brothers also suspect the evil inside is the reason their rural village has been befallen by death, bad luck, bitter dirt, wilted crops and starving livestock. We eventually learn that a demon inhabits the rotten and simply killing the rotten unleashes the demon to go after other prey.

While the demon possession rules are a bit confusing, we’re told throughout that there are seven rules when encountering evil. Seven is a big number in Christianity, whether it’s how it took God seven days to create the Earth or the Book of Revelation in which there are seven seals. The film is rich in Christian theology, but a lot of times the rotten seem like more than just demons from Hell. There are several contagion themes, including the obvious idea that you truly never know who has been possessed until it’s too late. I also found it interesting that the gut reaction of every man in the film was to immediately shoot and kill the rotten (a big no-no in the seven rules). Meanwhile, the women know of the seven rules, know what to do and ultimately hold the potential key to ending the reign of terror. Themes aside, the movie is absolutely brutal.

From the corpse that you can smell from the screen at the beginning to the visually gruesome deaths of several characters throughout the film, “When Evil Lurks” could care less about your sense and sensibilities, much less your morals. Once we understand that evil will kill and cannibalize any human it comes across, every scene has a palpable tension, especially since animals, children and women seem to be the favorite target of the rotten. Adding to the shocking effect is practical effects that add to the general unease sprinkled throughout the film.

“When Evil Lurks” is an unholy assault on your senses with sudden nihilistic violence and an overall feeling of hopelessness. There is no silver lining or light at the end of the tunnel for our characters. Early on we understand that nothing good will happen and that no one will be saved. In a lot of ways that’s what makes “When Evil Lurks” a massive surprise. Even when it reveals its bleak cards, we want to see how it uses them.

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Film Review: “Totally Killer”

Starring: Kiernan Shipka, Olivia Holt and Charlie Gillespie
Directed By: Nahnatchka Khan
Rated: R
Running Time: 103 Minutes
Amazon Prime Video

Our Score: 3.5 out of 5 Stars

Some of the hardest genres to write are comedy and horror. So, even if a comedy-horror ultimately comes off as generic, but still manages to tickle the funny bone while splattering the screen with blood and gore, that’s a good time in my book. While not a sharp generational criticism like 2022’s “Bodies, Bodies, Bodies,” or an entertaining mockery of horror tropes like “Scare Package,” “Totally Thriller” earns points for tackling one of the toughest genres with enough scattered jokes, gruesome kills and a dash of “who cares, just enjoy it” attitude to become an enjoyable slice of comedy-horror. Emphasis on the comedy.

“Totally Killer” opens on Halloween 2023 in the small town of Vernon which still can’t escape October 1987, when a masked killer, referred to as the Sweet 16 Killer, murdered three 16-year-old high-school girls by stabbing them 16 times. I’m not sure why he didn’t kill 16, but I digress. Pam Hughes (Julie Bowen) lives in fear that the killer will return, especially since she was friends with all three victims. Her daughter Jamie (Kiernan Shipka) is all like, “Whatever mom, get over it. Leave me the hell alone.” Then her mom is murdered by the Sweet 16 Killer. Distraught, Jamie meets up with her friend who is building a time machine (this is the first of many instances where the movie gets intentionally silly and once again shrugs its shoulders). Later on, Jamie is attacked by the Sweet 16 Killer only to be transported back in time to October 1987 through a bizarre knife to the time machine interface mishap.

“Totally Killer” works because it seems like as the film progresses, Jamie is slowly realizing she’s in a bad slasher film. Jamie name drops horror and time travel films, including “Back to the Future” which “Totally Killer” steals heavily from, comments on the out-of-date circumstances throughout the 80s and seemingly doesn’t mind screwing up the space time continuum by changing history. The film also gives away its future plot points through its movie name drops as if to say originality dies in this film with the teens. Even the killer’s mask, one we’ve never seen before, looks like Max Headroom doing Jim Carrey’s patented eyebrow raise. I’m not sure if anything in this movie isn’t a reference, wink or nod to something else. Like I said, this movie just kind of shrugs and goes, “Here’s a joke and knife to the guts.”

While this could normally ruin a film, “Totally Killer” just relishes in its own ridiculousness and it’s helped by Shipka’s performance which matches every scene perfectly. When she needs to point out the absurdity of a plot point, she does. When she needs to be the parent in charge of a bunch of horny drug fueled teens to make sure they don’t die, she does. When she needs to deliver exposition without questioning the absolute stupidity of what’s happening, she does. Even in the final act, when she has to be the movie’s badass, she does. If Shipka wasn’t with us on this crazy time traveling journey, “Totally Killer” would totally suck.

“Totally Killer” is totally unoriginal, but still totally fun. It’s a film that utilizes every slasher cliché while ridiculing the 80s decade it pulled those same clichés from. Sure, some of the jokes are predictable and the parody isn’t witty like “Airplane,” but “Totally Killer” is so comfortable with what it’s doing that you ultimately relax and wait for the next unpredictable joke or slasher moment. The whole intent of the film is to entertain, no matter how cheesy, lazy and predictable it sometimes is. There’s something admirable if not ultimately meta about that. Maybe “Totally Killer” will ultimately be forgotten and I’ll never watch it again, but if its entire intent was to make me chuckle and make me forget about the cruel world around me for 103 minutes, mission accomplished.

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Film Review: “V/H/S 85”

Directed by: David Bruckner, Scott Derrickson, Gigi Saul Guerrero, Natasha Kermani and Mike Nelson
Rated: NR
Running Time: 110 minutes
Shudder

Our Score: 4 out of 5 Stars

Found footage has really hit its stride lately and that’s carrying over into one of the most unlikely ongoing franchises in the horror landscape, “V/H/S.” When the original came out in 2012, it didn’t necessarily light the world on fire, but since 2021, the “V/H/S” franchise has become a yearly tradition. 2021 saw the franchise become more chaotic as these movies became more memorable for breaking the mold and rules of found footage films. The latest addition, “V/H/S 85,” not only serves as an homage to the 80s, but finds the franchise tinkering with the clichés and found footage style once again with gloriously gory results.

The entire film plays like a dozen people recorded different things over the same VHS tape. The wraparound story, individual stories, are sometime interrupted by snippets of commercials that are so borderline realistic, I have to wonder if they’re from dead brands. “V/H/S 85” opens with our wrap around story, “Total Copy,” an “In Search Of…” and “Unsolved Mysteries” style TV show about a group of scientists studying a bizarre piece of intelligent life they name “Rufus.” The blobby shape-shifting creature is isolated in a room with American TV shows running 24/7. The idea, according to the scientists, is that the creature will eventually learn how to communicate with scientists, even though half the time the TV shows it appears to be watching are generic infomercials. Certainly, the wraparound story serves as a commentary on TV consumption, but we immediately know these scientists won’t have long to live if their idea of communicating with a suspicious lifeform is butt enhancing workout infomercials.

Busting out of the wraparound is “No Wake,” a tale of seven friends heading off to a lake for camping, swimming, drugs and sex. I immediately thought, “Oh, I’m about to watch an homage to an 80s slasher,” but once the blood squirts and the guts begin spilling, I really didn’t know what was happening or what was going to happen next, at all. The other interesting aspect to this short is that it kind of ends abruptly. Just as it’s about to hit its climax, it cuts to the next short. The conclusion to “No Wake” comes later in “V/H/S 85.” Without spoiling the set-up, you’ll be smiling ear-to-ear by the time “No Wake” wraps up its delightfully bonkers set-up.

After the camping trip to hell, we go south of the border to Mexico for “God of Death,” a bit of art mimicking life. The backdrop is the real-life 1985 Mexico City Earthquake, but the story opens before the quake in a news studio getting ready for one of its early morning reports. The earthquake hits and the staff are buried under rubble. Rescue workers show up to find that only a cameraman is left alive (of course). Their escape through the maze of rubble takes them down a path of blood, gore and coming face-to-face with the God of Death. As someone who’s never heard of this destructive event, I can’t help but think this short may be about how the God of Death, metaphorical or real in terms of government inaction, is just lying in wait for the next big one to kill thousands and thousands.

The next segment, “TKNOGD,” is difficult to describe because too much information kind of spoils the whole thing, but it feels very much like a punk rock avant garde art exhibit experimenting with technology. A performance artist is making a commentary on technology and God, something that oddly feels super relevant right now, before the predictable chaos and carnage of horror happens. It’s a short that still works like the previous ones because of its commentary, violent practical effects, and dark humor. It’s also the shortest of the entries, which is perfect for the story that it’s attempting to tell. It’s also a great lead-up to maybe one of the best shorts in “V/H/S” history.

“Dreamkill” is like an indie David Lynch teaming up with Wes Craven for a grisly and vicious tale. “Dreamkill” is about a police detective who keeps receiving VHS tapes showing a first-person view of violent murders, some of the more gruesome we’ve seen in the “V/H/S” series. The catch though, is that the murders happen days after the police detective receives them. He arrives on scene, already knowing how the killer got in, how he moved about and how he mutilated the victims, having watched the gonzo first-person footage. It’s one of those shorts that you could easily see becoming a full-length film, especially as we find out the person behind the footage and who the killer is. Even though I had a sneaking suspicion of who the killer was, I don’t think it took away from “Dreamkill” because of how everything unfolds. At times it’s very unsettling, dropping a bit of realism into the absurdity of it all. Like the killer’s knife, it’s likely to get under your skin.

Just like the previous installment, “V/H/S 99,” the found footage rules are broken left and right, but because of the unique choices that footage is incorporated into the overall product, it makes us forget some of the more nagging questions we might otherwise have. It’s really difficult to pinpoint a weakness in this anthology film. There’s always that one short that kind of sticks out like the ugly stepchild, but all the shorts in this work. I’m not sure if it’s because they all take place in 1985 or if one of the directors overlooked every product in an attempt to create a cohesive brutal vibe. If you’re a first timer to the anthology, or maybe stopped sometime after “V/H/S: Viral,” now is definitely the time to pick the franchise back-up. “V/H/S 85” is the best of the franchise; it’s a retro blast utilizing blood and guts to ingenious levels. It also stands to be one of the grittiest and best horror films of this year.

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Film Review: “Condition of Return”

Starring: AnnaLynne McCord, Dean Cain and Natasha Henstridge
Directed by: Tommy Stovall
Rated: NR
Running Time: 93 minutes
Stonecutter Media

Our Score: 2.5 out of 5 Stars

If you Google “Condition of Return,” you’ll get the following synopsis: “A churchgoing woman makes a heinous deal with the Devil in order to save her soul.” Honestly, that’s all I needed to watch this film in the hopes of seeing a Satanic horror film. What I got was an unintentional comedy.

The movie opens with Eve (AnnaLynne McCord) walking into a Catholic church during mass and opening fire with an assault rifle, all the while tears well in her eyes as she watches the various attendees scatter in terror. We cut to much later, where Eve is shackled and Dr. Donald Thomas (Dean Cain) has been flown in to interview Eve. His goal, according to the police chief, is to declare that she is sane. That’s so that the state can cross that red tape checkmark off its list and pump Eve full of various drugs until she dies. With a recorder and notepad in hand, Dr. Thomas sits down for the silliest “be careful or you’re going to hell” movie of the 21st century.

Is that previous comment praise for “Condition of Return?” No. But that’s only because I feel like this movie was made in an earnest effort. I say that because throughout I kept checking if maybe I went in with the wrong expectations. After the first few chuckles, I checked the press email I got about the film. Sure enough, it’s listed as a “Faustian drama.” About halfway through, I checked IMDb which listed it as a “mystery.” By the end I had fully succumbed to my MST3K sensibilities and began laughing at the absurdity of it all.

If I had to describe “Condition of Return,” it’s a film with SyFy Creature Feature production values and a religious script that would make Kevin Sorbo drool at the sheer flawed morality of it. Eve’s tale to Dr. Thomas begins with her meeting a random guy at the bar, only to get knocked up, miscarry and marry the loser. Right off the bat, none of it feels real or genuine. Eve also drops the fact that she’s Catholic. A lot. So as her backstory progresses, she tells Dr. Thomas an increasingly bizarre story of her failing marriage which, no joke, leads to an FBI bust, time in prison, and finally searching “how to summon the devil” online where she lands on a website called Blood Knife. I felt like every unrealistic and stupid progression in Eve’s backstory was like a bad joke being delivered in just the right way to elicit an uncomfortable laugh.

It’s weird when you give a film a middling review when you know that some people will watch this and turn it off in the first 15 minutes, whether it’s the bad special effects, the stagnant dialogue or the go nowhere plot. Others though, like me, will relish in the sheer stupidity of it and will find themselves gleefully waiting to see what happens next, in pure morbid fashion. The old cliché phrase of “It’s so bad, it’s good,” applies to all 93 minutes of “Condition of Return.”

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Film Review: “8 Found Dead”

Starring: Aly Trasher, Alisha Soper and William Gabriel Grier
Directed by: Travis Greene
Rated: R
Running Time: 82 minutes
Dark Sky Films

Our Score: 2.5 out of 5 stars

How do you begin to describe a movie that basically gives itself away in the title? Here’s the gist: A desert AirBnB will be the site of a get together between young Millennial/Zoomer couples Carrie (Aly Trasher) and Ricky (Eddy Acosta), and Sam (Alisha Soper) and Dwayne (William Gabriel Grier). However, since the couples arrive at different times, they’re greeted by the supposed original AirBnB guests, Boomer/Gen-X couple Richard (Tim Simek) and Liz (Rosanne Limeres). We aren’t sure who is murdered or why the murders are happening, but the film will slowly unravel that aspect after the opening moments when we witness the ax murder of AirBnB host, Jessie (Jenny Tran). We also know eight people die, thanks to the title and the framing narrative of two small town cops, who also used to be lovers, investigating the aftermath. If you’re keeping count at home, that’s nine characters. So at least the film doesn’t give away the one person who lives.

While the promotional material is very clear on who the killers are, the why and who lives is what keeps the movie flowing. The nonlinear storytelling is the greatest aspect of this film, especially since we learn more and more about each character in spellbinding fashion. Unfortunately the film never seems to utilize the horror of its AirBnB aspect. A film like “Barbarian” had me so distrusting of the characters and property in the first 30 minutes while “8 Found Dead” seems to just go, “Oops, double booked,” and seemingly reveals the killers in the first 20 minutes. Despite the flaw of not utilizing its AirBnB premise, my biggest issue with the film as a whole is, was it all worth it?

Like I said, we wonder about why the murders are happening? That’s the biggest question of the film for me, and I’m left wondering if there isn’t a subversive commentary on love, relationships and generational views. Richard and Liz are very blunt, sometimes offensive and possibly swingers. Richard and Liz clearly have relationship issues that were dragged into their professional lives as police officers while Carrie and Ricky and Sam and Dwayne have massive communication issues that feel complicated by technology. While there may be a commentary on relationships, you could also chalk up Richard and Liz to being more comfortable with each other and themselves after years together, as well as a shared demented sense of life and love.

While I wasn’t bored, I could see how people would be bored because so much is given away up front. I don’t want to spoil the film in this review because I’m ultimately recommending it, despite my on the fence view and rating. I think it has enough elements to make it a captivating watch, but I also foresee people losing interest during verbal chess matches between the older couple and the younger couples. The film also teases that this isn’t the first tale of murder associated with couples, which leads me back to, why? The why bugs me and that’s ultimately bogging down a film I did enjoy. If “8 Found Dead” has something rich to say, I wish it was as upfront as the title about it.

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Film Review: “Nandor Fodor and the Talking Mongoose”

Starring: Simon Pegg, Minnie Driver and Christopher Lloyd
Directed by: Adam Sigal
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 96 minutes
Saban Films

Our Score: 2.5 out of 5 Stars

At 2021’s San Diego Comic Con, I attended a panel for “Nandor Fodor and the Talking Mongoose.” I had an actual interest in the panel after having recently listened to Last Podcast on the Left doing an episode on the subject. The film is based on a peculiar incident from 1930s Britain about, well, a talking mongoose. While that seems straightforward, the movie isn’t. Honestly, it’s odd attending a panel where everyone has a difficult time articulating what the film is about. It’s even odder watching the film.

While listed as a comedy, I didn’t laugh once during the film, but I’m not sure the film was written and filmed as a comedy. Sure, you have Simon Pegg as Dr. Fodor, who begins the movie explaining a belief in the paranormal as someone who sees something that no one else can see. In fact, most scenes with Dr. Fodor seem to be moments written for dry chuckles. That’s because he’s a natural skeptic whose life has been debunking every psychic phenomenon, every bump in the night and every scare tactic he can get his hands on. It’s beginning to wear him thin as he glides through life one hoax and alcoholic beverage at a time. That’s when a fellow skeptic and professor, played by the delightful Christopher Lloyd, tells him about Gef, the talking mongoose. With his assistant Anne, played by Minnie Driver, in tow, Dr. Fodor is off to the Isle of Man to unravel a mystery that will never be solved.

I had the knowledge going into this film that Gef remains a mystery. Is it the work of bored playful humans? Was Gef an actual talking creature lost to time? Was Gef the culmination of poltergeist activity? There are way more theories than answers and honestly, the film mimics that true to life story. That could genuinely frustrate anyone looking for an engaging story, much less a comedic one. Since the film isn’t necessarily going to give you answers or a laugh, why can’t I flat out not recommend it?

The film is peculiar in that I was never bored. While the characters talk in hushes and whispers while silently thinking about the day’s event (usually over a drink or two…or three), it seems like someone is screaming something at the top of their lungs, just below the surface. Annie is the only one of the main cast that’s genuinely open minded to the possibility of Gef’s existence, at least, outside of the peculiar townsfolk and family side characters that have allegedly heard Gef. It’s almost like Annie, after years of watching Dr. Fodor unmasking mysteries, is beginning to tire of the dog and pony show. Or maybe she’s warming up to the idea of Gef, and life, being a giant question mark, while Dr. Fodor can’t possibly fathom a question without an answer.

So maybe the film is more than a look at this absurd true-life story, but instead an encapsulation of how we shouldn’t let small things bog us down in life. Especially since Dr. Fodor, who has obvious chemistry with Anne, never seems to act on those sparks. Instead he seems miserably content with being single and skeptical of everyone and everything, as long as he has a stiff drink in his hand. But in a way, that’s why I can’t recommend it. Maybe I’m giving too much credit to a poorly written and directed film that wanders aimlessly for 90ish minutes. Maybe that screaming I sensed underneath the surface was the cast demanding any form of direction. Just like Gef, this film is a tonal mystery.

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Film Review: Bad Things

Starring: Gayle Rankin, Hari Nef, Rad Pereira and Annabelle Dexter-Jones
Directed by: Stewart Thorndike
Rated: NR
Running Time: 83 minutes
Shudder

Our Score: 2 out of 5 Stars

I’m generally wary of movies that get compared to great films. Enter “Bad Things,” which bills itself as a female-version of “The Shining.” The early reviews reference how similar in vein it is to Kubrick’s 1980 film. So, I guess I’ll be the proverbial turd in the punch bowl by saying that, yes, it is similar to “The Shining” in a lot of ways, mainly visuals and hotel specters, but that’s about it since it’s far from being a horror classic, much less a horror film I can even recommend.

Ruthie (Gayle Rankin) has inherited her grandmother’s closed and aging hotel, somewhere in New England (most likely). Ruthie is just looking to sell the mid-century modern hotel because of bad childhood memories involving her mother, but Ruthie’s girlfriend Cal (Hari Nef) doesn’t quite see it like that. Cal sees an exciting business opportunity and organizes a girl’s week, inviting two pals, Maddie (Rad Pereira) and Fran (Annabelle Dexter-Jones). So, for the next 80ish minutes, we’ll be treated to gossip about a potential love rectangle between the four ladies, rumors of the hotel being haunted, and visuals that may or may not be real.

The film’s brief runtime and the hope that there’s a decent payoff kept me engaged throughout most of “Bad Things,” even if I found myself wondering what the purpose of any of it was. Cal seems so focused on reopening the hotel, but never really articulates why, which becomes annoying as Ruthie’s mental health declines as she’s constantly reminded about her mother’s parental shortcomings. If Cal was an actual caring partner to Ruthie, you’d think she’d drop the whole idea, much less convince her to have a gal pal weekend in it. As for Maddie and Fran, it seems like there’s skeletons in their closet when it comes to their prior relationships to Ruthie and Cal. It’s almost as if Cal has intentionally planned a weekend to sabotage her own relationship or is that willfully ignorant of other people’s emotions.

References to “The Shining” are sprinkled throughout, but never really feel like an homage or slice of true terror, coming off more like a cringy wink at the camera. The worst moment is when one of the characters sees ghosts eating breakfast in the hotel’s dining area, much like Wendy Torrance encountering a ghoulish party in the final act of “The Shining.” It doesn’t help that, unlike “The Shining,” the girls can leave at any time and are literally a block away from a strip mall. The isolationism that’s perfectly encompassed in Kubrick’s film is nowhere in sight of “Bad Things.”

Despite my frustrations, I was never bored, which is fascinating in of itself. Despite never being scared, the cinematography really makes the hotel a fascinating character. While you’re most likely to have your suspicions that the ghosts aren’t real, the hotel is filmed in such a way that you never feel like the characters are safe from something paranormal. Even in the bitter, snowy cold, the hotel doesn’t seem welcoming or the last place you’d want to be stuck in. Keeping things moving is the cast, which is constantly gnawing on the stale, peeling scenery of the hotel. Rankin steals the show by the end of the film, but Nef, Pereira and Dexter-Jones each have individual scenes they can add to their highlight reel because of how convincing they are in those moments.

I have to wonder how much better “Bad Things” would have been if the film’s promotional material wasn’t attempting to tell me how Kubrickian it was. There’s a lot going for it, including the cinematography, the acting and several ideas that are placed throughout. Even the ideas that I came to enjoy ultimately failed because they were never fully realized. I can’t help, but wonder how much better the film would have been if it leaned more into psychological horror or even implemented more slasher tropes. There’s definitely a way better film in this tangled mess, but “Bad Things” can’t overcome being a bad thing.

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Film Review: “The Pod Generation”

Starring: Emilia Clarke, Chiwetel Ejiofor and Rosalie Craig
Directed by: Sophie Barthes
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 109 minutes
Vertical

Our Score: 1.5 out of 5 Stars

The word AI is beginning to permeate the landscape as humanity navigates an exciting, yet dangerous future. “The Pod Generation” has arrived at the near perfect time to comment on the machine learning phenomenon we’re all experiencing. The film is about NYC couple Rachel (Emilia Clarke) and Alvy (Chiwetel Ejiofor). Rachel works for an AI company that makes little eyeball products that are like some kind of 22nd century nightmare version of Alexa or Siri. Alvy on the other hand, is a botanist that teaches at a nearby college.

They’re polar opposites in their careers, whereas Rachel sees a bright digitized future, Alvy seems to yearn for a return to nature. This style clashes when the Womb Center, exactly what you think it is, says that they have a limited number of spaces for couples to have their baby in their pod-shaped incubator. Rachel is eager to sign-up, while Alvy is a bit hesitant. They both want children, but disagree on the path forward. Rachel eventually wins out, mainly signing up behind Alvy’s back, but Alvy warms to the idea when he watches the artificial insemination process. This is all fascinating and interesting, but that fades as the movie progresses.

The biggest issue in “The Pod Generation” is that it’s too long and only has surface level commentary that approaches the story like a shotgun blast of ideas instead of a sniper rifle of wit. While the film could have simply honed in on technology versus humans’ animalistic need to procreate, the film seems to throw every idea at us without rhyme or reason. For instance, we see women protesting the Womb Center, but never hear their counterpoint or why. We see these eyeball products everywhere, but never get a full idea of how intrusive they are. We see an entirely robot run school, but never get an idea if it’s beneficial to the children in it. We hear about how there’s a serotonin bliss meter being monitored by the government, but that’s about it. All these neat sci-fi ideas are just vomited on us without any kind of idea or point behind them.

Unfortunately, this continues for over 100 minutes, which begins to make your mind wander during the film. Which meant I began to poke holes in the various sci-fi tropes it’s utilizing. For instance, at one point, Rachel and Alvy begin seeing a marriage counselor that’s just another big AI eyeball that talks to them. You’re telling me that in this future, the human brain has been unlocked to the point that AI can articulately offer psychological advice, yet there’s still a need for human botanists to teach college kids? At one point the couple are watching “March of the Penguins” on a 32-inch TV and I had to wonder, because this is in the 22nd century supposedly, why is a couple watching a 100-plus year-old movie on what’s most likely a very tiny TV at this point in technological evolution? Also, we never made TV’s better than standard definition? I wouldn’t be having these nitpicky thoughts if I wasn’t so bored by its lack of in-depth philosophical ideas and unnecessary runtime. Then there are just scenes of Rachel dreaming like it’s an episode of “Black Mirror,” which just made me want to open Netflix.

I would hate this movie more if it wasn’t for the performances by Clarke and Ejiofor. They really ham it up in some scenes, even if I never believe that these two people are in an actual relationship, much less banging. I can’t help but wonder if this kind of plot and idea would have been better served in a “Black Mirror” episode with a twinge of despair or horror. I say that because the movie just kind of ends without any kind of climax of note. We’re just kind of left wondering, “That’s it?” In a contemporary world begging for AI satire, “The Pod Generation” may have actually benefited from an AI editor.

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Filed Under: Film Reviews, Movies Tagged With: ai, chiwetel ejiofor, emilia clarke, film review, jeremy werner, machine learning, ...

Film Review: “Til Death Do Us Part”

Starring: Natalie Burn, Ser’Darius Blain and Cam Gigandet
Directed by: Shane Dax Taylor
Rated: NR
Running Time: 109 minutes
Cineverse

Our Score: 3.5 out of 5 Stars

In a previous critic’s life, I reviewed blu-rays for action movies you’ve never heard of. You’ve never heard of them because they usually utilized 80s action stars in their twilight years for a few minutes, just so they could get Bruce Willis or Jean Claude van Damme on their cover art. The movies were notoriously rough because of their hairbrained scripts, wooden acting, CGI blood and explosions, and incompetent use of 80s tropes. Thankfully though, the low-budget action movies I watch now are directed or written by those with a deep understanding of what made 80s action great. Brutal violence, spurts of fake, but realistic looking blood, schlocky dialogue bordering on unintentionally funny, and stories that have you rooting for the good guy; Or in the case of “Til Death Do Us Part,” the good bride.

When we first meet the bride (Natalie Burn) and groom (Ser’Darius Blain), they seem like they’re madly in love. In fact if you didn’t know this was an action movie, you’d think that you’re stuck watching a third-rate Hallmark rom-com in the first several minutes. The bride is happy, the groom is yucking it up with his seven groomsmen, and all seems well. But suddenly, the bride bails because, as we find out, her hubby-to-be is a professional assassin. That doesn’t sit well with the groom who sics his groomsmen, who are all mercenaries, after her.

“Til Death Do Us Part” is like if “Kill Bill” and “Scott Pilgrim” had a one night stand that led to pregnancy. The violence is joyous as each groomsmen meets a brutal end at the hands of a woman scorned. Each groomsman attempts to bring his own pizzazz to the battle, only to have the bride find another unique way to dispose of them. While the kills and fight scenes are not as highly choreographed as the two films I mentioned above, “Til Death Do Us Part” makes up for it in pure tongue-in-cheek brutality. Very rarely does Burn make the bride more than a revenge driven killer and very rarely do any of the groomsmen evolve above one note bastards looking to do the bidding of the groom.

If I had a complaint about “Til Death Do Us Part,” it’d be the runtime and the attempt to make the world bigger than it seems. I won’t reveal the specifics, but “Til Death Do Us Part” seems to play with the notion that there’s more to explore in this world. While that may be, the writer seems to want to take this in a semi-serious direction, which actually works against what makes this film enjoyable. During most of its runtime, I don’t have to worry about putting too much thought into what I’m watching and can simply enjoy the slicing and dicing. It also needs an editor, as evident by the runtime that pushes us well past the 80-to-90-minute mark. Simply put, this film would have knocked it out of the park if there was less talking and more groomsmen to kill.

“Til Death Do Us Part” mainly works because of its cast, which is ready and willing to get covered in blood. Burn plays the bride with enough sympathy and grit that we can’t help but smile as she goes on a relentless killing spree as geysers of blood coat her face and pristine white wedding dress. The best man, played by Cam Gigandet, gets to gnaw on the wedding scenery as he dispatches groomsman after groomsman while speaking philosophically as if he’s Socrates in ancient Rome. Even if you’re watching “Til Death Do Us Part” by yourself, you’ll find plenty to smile about as the body count piles up and the bride’s white wedding dress becomes a blood soaked badge of revenge.

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Filed Under: Film Reviews, Movies Tagged With: cam gigandet, cineverse, film review, jeremy werner, Natalie Burn, Orlando Jones, ...

Film Review: “Mother, May I?”

Starring: Holland Roden, Kyle Gallner and Chris Mulkey
Directed by: Laurence Vannicelli
Rated: NR
Running Time: 99 minutes
Dark Sky Films

Our Score: 3.5 out of 5 stars

When death occurs, it leaves a scar. Not only the loss of a loved one, but the words that will never be said. The emotions that will now never be conveyed or felt. The questions that will now go on unanswered. I won’t bother looking up who said it because it’s a universal truth, but the only sure thing in life is death. In “Mother, May I?,” death is really the only sure thing.

Emmett’s (Kyle Gallner) mother, who abandoned him, has recently passed. Understandably, he wants to go to her house, get in, get out and move on with his life. Emmett’s fiance, Anya (Holland Roden), is in tow as emotional support, but that support seems a little flawed. At least from my vantage point. In an effort to help alleviate the pain of the experience of being in her house, Anya recommends they take psilocybin mushrooms. I have yet to try this method, but seeing people on mushrooms without having to deal with trauma tells me…I won’t. While tripping, Emmett and Anya decide to play a little roleplaying game where Anya is Emmett’s mother. It’s weird, oddly sexual and freaks Emmett out a bit. However, the troubles continue when he wakes up the next day and Anya is still pretending to be his mother. Or is she?

“Mother, May I?” is the definition of unsettling. As the film progresses, we begin to wonder if something supernatural is happening. Anya, who professes to not know how to swim, begins to swim whilst continuing to “be” Emmett’s mother. She also begins to exhibit ticks that Emmett knows his mother had, but has never told Anya. The emptiness of the house they’re in, compounded by the callousness of Emmett’s mom in flashbacks, allows the film to creep slowly under your skin, wriggling around when tensions come to a boil. When things explode between the two, it’s like a therapy session in hell.

Since most of “Mother, May I?” is filled with our two leads, so much of the film’s emotional weight is carried by Gallner and Roden who do spot-on jobs when their characters are hurt, vengeful, remorseful and horny. Rarely does the film relent, seemingly putting its foot down on the emotional accelerator. At some points you have to wonder who’s attempting to inflict emotional damage and who’s using brutal honesty to progress their own self-reflected feelings forward.

So what exactly is going on with Anya? Is she possessed or is she creating a cruel new form of psychotherapy? Or better yet, what’s going on with Emmett? Is he truly disturbed and upset or is he a unique byproduct of a broken mother-son relationship that would have Sigmund Freud licking his lips? Since the film leaves every question unanswered, the film in of itself is like death. As the credits roll, we’re left wondering what if and why.

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Filed Under: Film Reviews, Movies Tagged With: dark sky films, film review, holland roden, jeremy werner, kyle gallner, laurence vannicelli, ...

Film Review: “Mad Heidi”

Starring: Alice Lucy, David Schofield and Casper Van Dien
Directed by: Johannes Hartmann and Sandro Klopfstein
Rated: Unrated
Running Time: 92 minutes
Raven Banner

Our Score: 3.5 out of 5 stars

One of my favorite movie going experiences was 2007’s “Grindhouse,” by Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino. Not so much the Tarantino portion, but the Rodriguez portion. After convincing several friends to drop money on a three-plus hour film, we were immediately rewarded as blood, guts, mayhem and tongue-in-cheek comedy took center stage. Even though there were only a handful of us in a mostly empty theater, there were times we could barely hear the movie over our own laughter at every exploding zombie head and intentionally bad scene. I sometimes wonder why more modern exploitation films aren’t made. Regardless, I’m glad someone did this year.

Heidi (Alice Lucy), of “Mad Heidi,” lives in the Swiss Alps with her grandfather, occasionally spending time (i.e. sex) with her lover, Goat Peter (Kel Matsena). Goat Peter, though, is quickly executed in the film by the fascist Swiss government in this alternate reality. Goat Peter’s crime? Selling illegal dairy products. In this cartoonish dystopia, Swiss Dictator Meili (Casper Van Dien) has outlawed lactose intolerance, conquered every inch of the dairy market, and is creating a cheese that forces the populace to be subservient Swiss patriots. After Goat Peter’s execution, Heidi is imprisoned, sending her on a trashy path towards vengeance.

“Mad Heidi” is what happens when you take an 1881’s children’s book, and smash softcore porn nudity, over-the-top violence, and out-of-date trashy storytelling in between the book’s pages. To say “Mad Heidi” is not for everyone, is like saying Jaegermeister is an “acquired” taste. Even the people watching, cheering and laughing during “Mad Heidi,” recognize it’s intentionally offensive humor, second rate CGI blood spurts and gore, and 80s action one-liners for what it is. Ridiculously amusing and oddly charming. The charm switch gets flipped on because of Lucy’s double sided performance of Heidi, a sweet relatable country girl who has to become a warrior badass. It helps that her nemesis is played by Van Dien, who may as well have eaten a spoonful of fondue before every cheesy line delivery.

The winks at other genre films is endless; all the way back to the sleaze of films like “Caged Women” to modern schlocky action-comedy like “Kung Fury.” With Van Dien on cast, the movie wastes no time in referencing “Starship Troopers,” and the references never get old as the film goes on. If I was to knock “Mad Heidi” for anything, it’d be that it’s a smidge too long and it doesn’t quite live up to the wall-to-wall insanity in other modern exploitation films like “Hobo with a Shotgun” or “Black Dynamite.” That being said, modern exploitation feels like an incredibly hard genre to pull off because exploitation is now the internet, and it’s hard to match the ferociousness of real violence broadcast into our eyeballs every day. “Mad Heidi” also has to tow this line of intentionally offensive stereotypes that are funny without upsetting modern sensibilities.

The great thing about modern exploitation and “Mad Heidi,” is that uptight people looking for the next thing to be outraged and shocked over won’t be watching the trailer for this film or looking at the poster and thinking, “I gotta check this out.” In a surprising way, it’s refreshing to watch something so politically incorrect, that you either have to hold your nose or roll with the offensive punches. I chose the latter. I relished every brutal bloody battle, every gruesome kill, every uncomfortable moment and all the little moments of absurd world building. For fans of any of the films I’ve mentioned above, or fans of B-movies with hyperviolence and immoral sexuality, “Mad Heidi” is a must. Also, someone find Tarantino and Rodriguez, and let them know another pupil of trash cinema has arrived.

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Filed Under: Film Reviews, Movies Tagged With: alice lucy, casper van dien, exploitation, film review, hobo with a shotgun, jeremy werner, ...

Panic Fest Film Review: “Birth/Rebirth”

Starring: Marin Ireland, Judy Reyes and Breeda Wool
Directed by: Laura Moss
Rated: NR
Running Time: 98 minutes
IFC Films

Our Score: 4 out of 5 Stars

You know you’re in for a good movie when a director is able to summarize their film without giving away too much. Before “Birth/Rebirth” began, Director Laura Moss discussed how the film was her own unique take on “Frankenstein” and how the idea has been simmering in her mind since she was a teenager. Even with that kind of spoiler in mind, one where I could expect the reanimation of a dead person, I couldn’t foresee what kind of horrors could be and would be mined in “Birth/Rebirth.”

Celie (Judy Reyes) is a natural as a prenatal nurse at the hospital she works at. She brings her motherly warmth to work to help patients and others, but that warmth will disappear in a flash. Celie’s daughter, Lila (A.J. Lister) abruptly dies, leaving Celie with so much to ponder. On the flip side, we meet a morgue tech by the name of Rose (Marin Ireland) who goes about her work with about as much warmth as the corpses she digs around in. Celie and Rose are strangers, but Lila’s death is going to bring them together in horrific ways.

The mantle of Dr. Frankenstein could be divided up between Celie and Rose, who work together after Rose reanimates Lila. Celie, despite being unable to communicate with the daughter she used to know, tries in earnest to recover what she had by focusing on nearly every aspect of Lila’s life. Rose on the other hand takes a more rudimentary, yet scientific approach to Lia as she makes notes, runs experiments and monitors the overall situation. Sometimes the roles flip as time goes on where one character assumes the role of scientist and the other as parental figure. Because the reanimated Lila remains mostly quiet throughout the duration of the film, it’s difficult to tell what’s actually going on in her head as opposed to the emotional projections by Rose and Celie.

I can’t think of a “Frankenstein” reimaging or story that heavily shifts the narrative to a female centric one. The original story could be viewed as man’s attempt to control what humanity cannot control, life and death. In some ways you could argue the original doctor was also driven by a need to create. The ability to create a human life is not possible for someone born as a man, so Dr. Frankenstein had to create human life in another form. “Birth/Rebirth” seems to explain the passion and need to control life and death as that of a woman/parent. We see how Celie and Rose work with Lila to ensure she survives, the sacrifices both of them make, but is it more about science or more about basic maternal instincts? Rose is the calculating, numbers driven and scientific to all her approaches, but the longer she spends with Celie and Lila, the more something else is taking shape beneath her expressionless face. On the flip side, Celie also realizes the lengths she’ll go to obtain what she used to have, but must also reckon with what it takes to reach that goal.

The film’s ending, which will certainly be annoying to some, leaves more questions than answers. The audience is supposed to reflect on the idea of motherhood and what parenthood in general does to us. The morals of the film are constantly being debated by the characters and by their inevitable actions. Just like the Mary Shelley classic, “Birth/Rebirth” asks us to examine creation, life and death, through our own selfishness, our own sacrifices and ultimately what we are willing to do to secure and fulfill what we see as our obligations to our creations. “Birth/Rebirth” is a monster that you’ll be thinking about long after the credits and lights go up.

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Filed Under: Film Reviews, Movies Tagged With: birth, film review, frankenstein, ifc, jeremy werner, judy reyes, ...

Panic Fest Film Review: “Black Mold”

Starring: Agnes Albright, Andrew Bailes and Jeremy Holm
Directed by: John Pata
Rated: NR
Running Time: 92 minutes

Our Score: 3.5 out of 5 stars

I’m asked anytime by people who find out that I do urban exploring (the art of exploring abandoned buildings, tunnels and everything in between) about whether or not I get scared. Of course. That’d be like asking a trapeze artist if they’re ever worried about plummeting. The thought will always be there. When it comes to my side hobby, I’ve almost been attacked by humans and animals, nearly broken bones, and, worst of all, almost been caught by authorities. So when I recommend “Black Mold,” a film about two urban exploring photographers taking on a deadly task, it’s not because it taps into that fear.

Brooke (Anges Albright) is going through the motions as her and her budding photographer, Tanner (Andrew Bailes) are adding more photos to their portfolio. The abandoned countryside homes they photograph aren’t enough for Brooke today though. She’s got her eyes on the duo’s white whale, a rundown government facility that is the center of several area rumors. Ignoring the fencing, warning signs, and obvious threats, the two are dropped off by their driver, whom they tell to come back in three hours. The two then set foot inside a building they may never leave.

“Black Mold” never does what you’d expect, which is a treat because it uses a lot of horror tropes. While the story is familiar, the path isn’t. Brooke, we learn, has never come to grips with a traumatic part of her childhood, the death of her father and the ensuing blame being directed at her. While the movie solely focuses on her, Tanner is also dealing with his own personal demons even though they’re never discussed or shown. We just see him react to what he thinks he’s seeing or actually seeing, just like Brooke begins to wonder if a homeless person they encounter in the building is her father.

That is one of the more befuddling parts of this film, what’s real and what isn’t. It’s intentional, but also confusing. For about half of the film, we’re left wondering what experiences are real and which ones aren’t. Eventually day turns to night and we even have to question if time is changing along with perception. I’m not sure why Tanner is in the film, but over time, I wondered if the film could have been better without Tanner because we have no emotional attachment to him. That, and I imagine the isolation would be more impactful for Brooke and the audience.

“Black Mold” is kind of a play on the idea that mold in a dilapidated building could impact your mind. I also believe it’s how the trauma that Brooke experienced not only effects her creatively and in her hobby, but also emotionally because it’s obvious she’s never dealt with her father’s death in any meaningful way or talked with anyone about it. Psychologically and visually speaking, “Black Mold” is a fascinating watch, but the horror itself isn’t as scary as it could be, and the ending feels like a little bit of a letdown. Overall, the film is an enjoyable journey into the psyche of regret, loss and broken relationships.

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Panic Fest Film Review: “Satan Wants You”

Directed by: Steve J. Adams and Sean Horlor
Rated: NR
Running Time: 88 minutes

Our Score: 4 out of 5 stars

Children are the greatest non-violent weapon humans have ever had. In 2020-21, my social media was being spammed with #savethechildren. Sounds noble. Besides, who hates children and wishes them ill will? Unfortunately, the #savethechildren people on social media were ignorant to the reasoning behind the hashtag. All these #savethechildren people were suckers for Q’Anon, a conspiracy theory about how the world’s elites are eating, raping, beating, sodomizing, and killing children. Not only children, but newborn infants. While it sounds too crazy to believe, “Satan Wants You,” is a reminder that we’re constantly doomed to repeat an inherent part of our history, believe stupid crap.

If you haven’t heard about the Satanic Panic of the 80s and early 90s, it’s kind of like Pizzagate for the pre-Internet age. They even had their own hashtag before hashtags, having people say “Believe the Children.” The insanity kicked off in 1980 with the book, “Michelle Remembers,” where Canadian Michelle Smith, with the help of her then-psychiatrist at the time, remembered buried memories. Those memories were of being kidnapped, caged, beaten, sexually assaulted, raped repeatedly and forced to eat babies along with other Satanists in a ritual meant to summon the Lord of Darkness himself. Makes for an interesting fiction novel, but “Michelle Remembers” was touted as a real life encapsulation of a secret cabal right under society’s nose.

“Satan Wants You” doesn’t dig around in every nook and cranny, but it’s an incredibly entertaining and serviceable documentary on the Satanic Panic, for those who know nothing about and those like me who could stand to learn a little bit more, including the interesting tidbit later in the documentary about how insurance companies may have saved the day. The documentary’s focus is on how such a perverse lie was able to spread around the U.S. like a new strain of COVID-19, while examining the possibilities of why Michelle would remember…a lie.

Michelle’s psychiatrist, Lawrence Pazder, eventually became her lover and husband. It doesn’t take an HR consultant for most people to recognize a doctor and patient hooking up is the biggest ethical red flag you could potentially spot. The documentary seems to imply more wrong with Pazder than it does Michelle, as it talks with his family members about how he abandoned them for one of his patients. It details how Pazder had a fascination with the perceived weirdness of other cultures and traditions, and how that kind of got channeled through his sessions with Michelle. In my personal belief, I think he was a sexual deviant and Michelle’s recollections were simply part of his fetish.

But what about Michelle? It’s easy to pin the blame on the person spinning these lies, but the documentary treats everyone fairly, including Michelle. If anything, she is a victim to Pazder’s delusions of grandeur, because he envisioned himself becoming famous with her recounting of the alleged demonic occurrences. She also was seeking psychiatric help because she had endured a miscarriage. So in a vulnerable position, she was most likely persuaded by Pazder. A lot of this is my own musings based on the film because “Satan Wants You” is so balanced and thoughtful in its approach. The film doesn’t look to demonize or point the finger of blame at anyone particularly. Unfortunately we can only blame ourselves, especially since history shows that anytime there’s a crisis of faith or a newfound religion, one side attempts to demonize and disparage that group with lascivious lies involving children. For a harmful conspiracy theory to flourish, it takes a village of idiots.

For those who are interested in the Satanic Panic, “Satan Wants You” is a must-watch, even for those who may not know anything about it. At times it feels like it doesn’t say enough while at the same time giving us enough information to completely understand and digest the whole damn mess. You may find yourself wondering aloud during the film, “How the hell do people believe this?” Well, just wait until 2060 when we release a film about all the morons who thought a billionaire narcissist was going to save all the babies from demonic Jews in positions of power eating babies or how Lil Nas X is the Anti-Christ or how social media campaigns never helped children.

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Filed Under: Film Reviews, Movies Tagged With: film review, jeremy werner, panic fest, satan, satan wants you, satanic panic, ...

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