Starring: Scarlett Johannson, Mahersha Ali and Jonathan Bailey
Directed by: Gareth Edwards
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 133 minutes
Universal Pictures
Our Score: 1 out of 5 Stars
We had a 14-year break between “Jurassic Park III” and “Jurassic World.” Time away from the constantly calamitous dinosaur park made us appreciate it again when the doors swung back open. I’m not saying we need another 14-year dry spell, but after watching “Jurassic World Rebirth,” I’m beginning to think the creative team and writers need one.
17 years after a candy bar wrapper (not making this up) left a trail of devastation and chaos at a secret island lab, Earth’s environment is now too hostile for most of the dinosaurs and prehistoric creatures once resurrected. In a hail mary pharma-fueled effort to save humanity, a shady biotech firm assembles a ragtag crew to return to the long-abandoned, off-limits island of Ile Saint-Hubert. Led by Scarlett Johannson (don’t remember the names, or else you’ll get attached when they become dino snacks) and extract genetic material from the world’s last prehistoric specimens.
I’m not saying the premise is dumb. It’s a dinosaur movie. The narrative and ideas it posits gets in the way of perfectly fine escapism. The opening sequence makes sure to hammer in two asinine facts: No one cares dinosaurs are escaping zoos and dying in downtown Manhattan and dinosaurs aren’t cool anymore. As someone who has worked in news, if any animal escapes from the zoo, even a capybara, it makes national news. And what the hell do you mean dinosaurs aren’t cool? They hammer the latter point more by recruiting a paleontologist, played by Jonathan Bailey, from a natural history museum that’s shuttering. He bemoans several times about how no one cares to see dinosaurs anymore. Have any of these writers visited a zoo lately?
The obnoxiousness doesn’t end there as characters spit out dialogue that sounds like it was written by ChatGPT after a few drinks. “A car bomb killed my dad. It came out of nowhere.” Car bombs don’t come out of nowhere. They’re planted. Also, for a film about dinosaurs wreaking havoc, we expect some fantastic kills, but they’re so quick and off-screen that they make death boring. Not even the T-Rex gets a kill. So, maybe give the people what they want next time, if you catch my drift.
Worst of all, it’s boring. The action sequences are flat and lifeless. Once it’s clear who lives (almost everyone) and who dies (mostly nobodies), the chase scenes lose all tension. At the very least, you gotta kill one secondary character that’s had more than two lines of dialogue. Then, there’s too much downtime with characters you’d rather see eaten, and even the callbacks to prior films feel forced and hollow. There’s no awe, no wonder, no…anything. Just another joyless cash grab from a franchise that forgot why people showed up in the first place.
I didn’t walk in expecting to hate it. Quite the opposite. The trailer gave me hope that it might tap into that silly joy of watching dumb humans try to outwit dumber, bigger, toothier animals. I was wrong. The audience at my screening seemed to enjoy it, but it was the end of June with nothing going. Also, maybe I’m just bitter. But if you’re picking “Jurassic World Rebirth” over fireworks this weekend, prepare to be disappointed.