Our Score: 1 out of 5 stars
The following plea is for Chloe Grace Moretz: “PLEASE FIND A NEW AGENT!”
After a promising career that began with great performances in such films as “Kick Ass,” “Let Me In” and “Hugo,” in the past couple of years she has starred in such stinkers as the remake of “Carrie” and the “I’m not dead, I’m in a coma” film “If I Stay,” which had the distinction of being, in my opinion, the worse film of 2014. Now, apparently, she’s decided to make my job easy by showing up in, what I’m sure will be, among the worse films of 2016.
Cassie Sullivan (Moretz) is your typical youthful high school girl. She likes to hang with her friends and holds a secret crush on the captain of the football team. But she’s also a good girl, coming home from parties before curfew and looking out for her little brother Sam (Zackary Arthur). Then the aliens come. The end! Sorry. Sadly, it isn’t that easy.
A film only in the sense that it’s being shown in theatres, “The 5th Wave” tells the story about what can happen when you reveal the BIG ending 20 minutes into the film and apparently forget what the words “continuity” and “believable” mean. As the title maintains, there are five waves. The first wave has alien craft hovering over various cities. The second takes out all sources of power. Then the Pharaoh declares that all first born male children are to be killed. Not really. Just seeing if you were paying attention.
How do I hate thee, “5th Wave?” Let me count the ways. Let’s begin with the jaw dropping idea that, when there is an imminent alien invasion, we will continue to send out children to school. When there is no more electrical power or running water we will continue to appear freshly shaved and newly bathed. And when the world does come to an end, the only thing worth salvaging will be Slim Jims. Actually, I like the Slim Jim idea. Director Blakeson (who only goes by his first initial, J – and can you blame him? If I was associated with this film I wouldn’t give my full name either) has cobbled together a hodgepodge of bad plot lines and stretched them out for almost two hours.
Sadly, the fault is not all his (or, for all I know, hers). I also blame the three screenwriters who created these horrible tropes. I can’t believe Akiva Goldsman helped write this thing. This is a man who won an Oscar for writing “A Beautiful Mind,” adapted two John Grisham novels for the screen and does great work for Ron Howard. Of course, he also wrote “Batman and Robin” and the upcoming FIFTH “Transformers” film. OK, maybe I can believe it. Speaking of Oscar, if they gave away an award for most continuity errors in one film, this baby would sweep the category. Just off the top of my head, here are three to look for:
1. While heading for a certain destination, Cassie remarks that she is 30 miles from her destination. After walking for a day or so she comes across a sign that tells her she is 43 miles away. At least the sign points her in the right direction. That being said, a couple days later, when she asks how far she is, the answer is now 60 miles.
2. Early in the film Cassie is given a gun, which she later fires until the slide locks, indicating the weapon is empty. Next time you see it, it’s fully loaded.
3. Remember when I said that all power (electrical, gas, etc) has been eradicated? Cassie comes across an abandoned Jeep on her travels and hops in to rest. Thankfully the dome light is working properly so she can see better.
If you’re still interested in the film, you’re a better person than I am. Pays your money and takes your chances. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!