Starring: Scarlett Johannson, Mahersha Ali and Jonathan Bailey
Directed by: Gareth Edwards
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 133 minutes
Universal Pictures
Film Score: 1 out of 5 Stars
4K Score: 4.5 out of 5 Stars
We had a 14-year break between “Jurassic Park III” and “Jurassic World.” Time away from the constantly calamitous dinosaur park made us appreciate it again when the doors swung back open. I’m not saying we need another 14-year dry spell, but after watching “Jurassic World: Rebirth,” I’m beginning to think the creative team and writers need one.
17 years after a candy bar wrapper (not making this up) left a trail of devastation and chaos at a secret island lab, Earth’s environment is now too hostile for most of the dinosaurs and prehistoric creatures once resurrected. In a hail mary pharma-fueled effort to save humanity, a shady biotech firm assembles a ragtag crew to return to the long-abandoned, off-limits island of Ile Saint-Hubert. Led by Scarlett Johannson (don’t remember the names, or else you’ll get attached when they become dino snacks) and extract genetic material from the world’s last prehistoric specimens.
I’m not saying the premise is dumb. It’s a dinosaur movie. The narrative and ideas it posits gets in the way of perfectly fine escapism. The opening sequence makes sure to hammer in two asinine facts: No one cares dinosaurs are escaping zoos and dying in downtown Manhattan and dinosaurs aren’t cool anymore. As someone who has worked in news, if any animal escapes from the zoo, even a capybara, it makes national news. And what the hell do you mean dinosaurs aren’t cool? They hammer the latter point more by recruiting a paleontologist, played by Jonathan Bailey, from a natural history museum that’s shuttering. He bemoans several times about how no one cares to see dinosaurs anymore. Have any of these writers visited a zoo lately?
The obnoxiousness doesn’t end there as characters spit out dialogue that sounds like it was written by ChatGPT after a few drinks. “A car bomb killed my dad. It came out of nowhere.” Car bombs don’t come out of nowhere. They’re planted. Also, for a film about dinosaurs wreaking havoc, we expect some fantastic kills, but they’re so quick and off-screen that they make death boring. Not even the T-Rex gets a kill. So, maybe give the people what they want next time, if you catch my drift.
Worst of all, it’s boring. The action sequences are flat and lifeless. Once it’s clear who lives (almost everyone) and who dies (mostly nobodies), the chase scenes lose all tension. At the very least, you gotta kill one secondary character that’s had more than two lines of dialogue. Then, there’s too much downtime with characters you’d rather see eaten, and even the callbacks to prior films feel forced and hollow. There’s no awe, no wonder, no…anything. Just another joyless cash grab from a franchise that forgot why people showed up in the first place.
I didn’t walk in expecting to hate it. Quite the opposite. The trailer gave me hope that it might tap into that silly joy of watching dumb humans try to outwit dumber, bigger, toothier animals. I was wrong. The audience at my screening seemed to enjoy it, but it was the end of June with nothing going. Also, maybe I’m just bitter. But if you’re picking “Jurassic World: Rebirth” over fireworks this weekend, prepare to be disappointed.
4K Features
Alternate Opening: Interesting to see the slight difference from the theatrical.
Deleted Scenes: Only a handful of deleted scenes, which I’m kind of surprised they removed because it does add a bit of tension and action to a movie that could have used a lot more.
Jurassic World Rebirth: Hatching a New Era: This is a multi-part behind-the-scenes feature that looks at the case and crew, the special effects, a few of the action sequences, and some more peeks behind the proverbial curtain. It’s actually a pretty decent behind-the-scenes feature that dives deep into the film.
Gag Reel: Self-explanatory.
Meet Dolores: I personally didn’t find this feature interesting, mainly because I find the addition of a “cute” tiny dinosaur for clear merchandising reasons wasn’t cute.
Munched: Becoming Dino Food: It takes a look at what it’s like to be eaten by a dinosaur. The title of the feature is probably more interesting than the feature itself.
A Day at Skywalker Sound: A moderately interesting feature about the sound in the film.
Hunting for Easter Eggs: This feature attempts to encourage multiple rewatches to look for little winks and nods to the franchise. No thanks.
Feature Commentary with Director Gareth Edwards, Production Designer James Clyne and First Assistant Director Jack Ravenscroft
Feature Commentary with Director Gareth Edwards, Editor Jabez Olssen and Visual Effects Supervisor David Vickery