Film Review: Murder on the Orient Express

Starring: Kenneth Branagh, Penelope Cruz and Willem Dafoe
Directed By: Kenneth Branagh
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 114 minutes
20th Century Fox

One of the most impressive ensemble casts of the year seems lost in sweeping CGI landscapes and overstuffed set pieces. “Murder on the Orient Express” is geared more towards technical film geeks who enjoy richness in their production design, more than they do in the script or the acting. I only say that because “Murder on the Orient Express” is awfully pretty to look at, but there isn’t much behind the lens.

Through happenstance, world-renowned detective Hercule Poirpot (Branagh) has found himself on the Orient Express. The luxury train connects Istanbul to the rest of Europe, which means the train is filled with socialites heading back to the Western World. The hodgepodge of characters seems at odds during casual dinner and indifferent during coffee, but there’s a singular thing that connects them all. It’s something Detective Poirpot will have to uncover after a passenger is found murdered in his cabin.

Murder mysteries are usually good, if not Oscar bait this time of year. However, “Murder on the Orient Express” is neither. While I haven’t read Agathe Christie’s work or seen the previous adaptations of her work, I can still confidently say that this isn’t on par with its predecessors or source material. I can surmise this because of how ambitious it looks, but the story never matches that visual gusto.

Johnny Depp plays the murder victim, but he’s not painted as a victim. We’re told he’s a scumbag, but we never feel like he’s one, despite the overwhelming evidence. The others on the train are played by the likes of A-listers, like Judi Dench, Willem Dafoe, and Michelle Pfeiffer, while up and comers, like Josh Gad, Daisy Ridley and Leslie Odom Jr. round out the cluster. The ensemble is too overwhelming, visually and narratively, with the film struggling to divvy up enough even time for the audience, and Poirpot, to question the lengthy list of suspects.

For those unsure of how this film will play out, like me, it’s slightly interesting in some spots to watch Poirpot work out the tangled web surrounding the murder. For those who love a good whodunit, you may not be disappointed, except for how the end and reveal is executed. “Murder on the Orient Express” is a classic in the literary sense, but this 21st century retelling offers nothing new.

Film Review: “The Great Wall”

Starring: Matt Damon, Tian Jing and Willem Dafoe
Directed By: Yimou Zhang
Rated: PG-13
Running Time: 103 minutes
Universal Pictures

Our Score: 2 out of 5 Stars

12th century China looks weird. And it’s not just because of Matt Damon’s scraggly face sticking out like a sore thumb. There’s been a lot of vocal concerns by the mainstream media that “The Great Wall” is whitewashing history, but don’t worry. The movie isn’t historical in any way shape or form. But it does manage to explain why Damon’s character is there. He’s a European merchant in search of gunpowder. He talks about how gunpowder is a rumor, fantasized about by Western powers. If someone were to find it, take it, and bring it back, they would receive untold fortunes.

That’s logical. In fact it’s the only logical thing in this illogical movie. Sure Damon has a bland accent that disappears half the time and it’s not quite clear what nationality his character is, but it’s not the explosive controversy that’s being portrayed on “Good Morning America” right now. This movie is about as historically accurate as Mel Brook’s “History of the World, Part I.” It solidifies that fact when we’re introduced to the CGI asteroid demon creatures that have been spent centuries attempting to invade China.

That’s not a glaring typo or a misplaced sentence fragment from another review. There are green monsters that come from a lemon lime radiating space rock populating the screen. These creatures are of a hive mind, following orders from an ominous queen. These green monsters apparently want to invade ancient China because…well…the movie never answers that. It’s frustrating because the writers couldn’t even bother to steal a page from the “Starship Troopers” playbook.

The queen alien, who’s very unimpressive compared to her underlings, isn’t just some animalistic creature without a shred of intellect. There’s a drive behind her as she meticulously plans out traps, devises battle plans, and evolves her army’s military tactics over decades. “The Great Wall” explain too much without ever explaining any of the basic groundwork. This should be stupid fun time at the movies, but it’s interjections of seemingly random alien rationale and ramshackle attempts at historical precedent are befuddling.

“The Great Wall” can never make up its mind on if it wants to be a serious attempt at a summer blockbuster or fantasy alternative history. It can’t be both and fails at being either one. I didn’t expect much walking in. I truly didn’t. I expected a 2017-style “Gods of Egypt” tax write off for Universal, but that’s not what I got. Even while my brain was on cruise control I managed to pick up on the poor plot pacing and subpar storytelling. That’s not a good thing.

The saving grace in “The Great Wall” is its half-hearted attempt at likable characters. It helps that Damon most likely knew they were filming hot garbage and played into its schlock. But I lacked beer and friends to appreciate the pricey travesty I was witnessing on screen. There’s no doubt that it’s visually intense and the set designs are meticulously detailed and gorgeous, but this is a rough movie to like or even recommend.